My Kind of Parenting

I wonder if my son is as drunk at his preschool graduation as I was at my college one.

Unless "The Good Dinosaur" has been nominated, I'm confident that I have not seen one movie featured at the Oscars.

I wake up and need a good 30 minutes to lie in bed, stretch, collect my thoughts. Toddlers wake up and immediately bounce. On my head.

When my 5yo learned the phrase #deeznuts I inadvertently made him love it more by saying it's about testicles, not real nuts #parentingfail

As the hygienist stabbed my gums with what I assume was a prison shank, she told me her 10 wk old sleeps through the night. #insulttoinjury

*opens YouTube. Searches "daddy finger song." Hands phone to toddler. Hangs head in shame.

My 2 yr old daughter pronounces "vagina" as "diamond." She walks around the house saying, "Boys have penis. Girls have diamonds." So true.

Husband: What does helicopter parent mean? Me: A parent who constantly hovers over kids. H: Oh. I thought it meant, "unstable but fun."

Coffee: Because you can't hit snooze on a toddler.

My 2-year-old can't sing her ABCs but she can sing the 1977 Blue Oyster Cult hit, "Godzilla." So, there's that.

I thought traffic was annoying. Now I'm a parent, and I have realized that traffic must be the work of the devil.

Because opening a jar is easier than cooking a meal.

Because opening a jar is easier than cooking a meal.

I care about how much TV my kids watch until I get sick. Then I'm like, "Octonauts marathon, anyone?"

I don't know what Lilly Pulitzer is. But I DO know all the words to Daniel Tiger's nighttime song, so it's not like I lack all street cred.

Sick mom = kids are having bananas and cheese for dinner. They don't give an eff, so neither do I.

It is hard to fathom that one day, we will be able to go out to eat as a family and it will be a relaxing, pleasant experience.

Want to frustrate the hell out of a toddler? Put a new roll on the toilet paper holder but don't loosen that first piece.

Sometimes, raising kids together means little more than just taking turns losing your shit. Today, I get to lose my shit. Tomorrow, he does.

Dove dark chocolate is going in the Easter eggs. No jelly beans, no malted milk balls. Just the good stuff so I cN steal and eat it later