I'm in Arizona and enough is enough with all this political nonsense. I am completely fed up with how crazy things have gotten. My 26-year-old daughter was actually slapped around today just because she supports Katie Hobbs. Can you even believe that? Truly a sad state of affairs when my own daughter gets slapped around for voting for Hobbs. But you know what? I will absolutely do it again if she doesn't change her ways!!

I was going to be a Democrat for Halloween this year but my head wouldn't fit up my ass.

The pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, "You just keep preaching, Dad! I'll keep 'em awake!”

After the church service last week, the pastor noticed a young boy staring at a large plaque mounted in the church lobby. The plaque was covered with dozens of names, and small American flags were placed on both sides of it. Seeing the boy so captivated, the pastor walked over, stood beside him, and said softly, "Good morning, young man." "Good morning, Pastor Mike," the boy replied, his eyes never leaving the wall. "Pastor, what is this sign for?" he asked. "Well, it is a special memorial to honor all the brave young men and women who died in the service," the pastor explained gently. They stood together in a quiet, respectful silence, looking up at the names. Then, in a whisper, the boy looked up and asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

A friend of mine was getting married, and despite her parents’ nasty divorce, she was excited about her big day. Her mom had found a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding when she found out her ex-husband’s much younger new wife had bought the exact same one! The bride begged her dad’s new wife to pick something else, but she refused. “No way! I look great in this dress, and I’m wearing it!” When her mom heard what happened, she just smiled and said, “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll find something else. It’s your big day, and I don’t want to cause any problems.” A few days later, they went shopping and found an even prettier dress. While they were having lunch, the bride asked, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? It’s not like you’ll have another occasion to wear it!” Her mom smiled and said, “Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!”

The atmosphere in the quiet tavern instantly shifted when she walked in. Stepping up to the counter, she locked eyes with the bartender and gave a seductive wave to bring him over. When he leaned in, she reached out, gently cupping his face and running her fingers through his thick beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, her voice a soft whisper. "No," the bartender managed to breathe out, completely caught off guard. "Can you get him for me? I really need to speak with him," she murmured, her hands sliding up past his jawline and into his hair. "He's not available," the bartender exhaled, his heart racing. "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Actually, yes. I need you to give him a message," she whispered. She leaned in even closer, slid two fingers right into his mouth, and let him suck them gently for a brief, tantalizing second. Then she pulled her hand back, looked him dead in the eye, and said, "Tell him that the ladies' room is completely out of toilet paper."

Last summer, my wife was getting her hair done at an upscale salon before our vacation to Las Vegas. “Las Vegas?” her hairdresser scoffed. “It's overcrowded, dirty, and ridiculously expensive. Why would you go there?” “We thought we'd have some fun. We're flying Southwest Airlines.” “Southwest? Terrible airline! Cramped seats, delays, and awful service. Where are you staying?” “Trump International Hotel.” The hairdresser laughed. “Overpriced! You're paying a fortune just for the name.” “We're also hoping to meet President Trump while we're there.” The hairdresser burst out laughing. “You and a million other people! Good luck with that!” A few weeks later, my wife returned to the salon for a trim. “So, how was Las Vegas?” the hairdresser asked. “It was wonderful! We got upgraded on our flight, and the hotel gave us a beautiful suite at no extra charge.” The hairdresser rolled her eyes. “Well, at least tell me you didn't actually meet President Trump.” “Actually, I did. I was sitting in the hotel lobby when a Secret Service agent approached me and asked if I'd like to meet him. A few minutes later, President Trump walked in, shook my hand, and spoke with me privately.” The hairdresser stared at her in disbelief. “Oh, really? And what did the president say to you?” My wife smiled and replied, “He looked at me and said, ‘Who the hell did your hair? It looks like shit!’”