I still have a GM logo on my ass. It’s permanent 😔

Stop being paranoid!

Well I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that’s not allowed.

I really miss my babysitter. We should have kept her until I was at least 40.

Lawyer: I'm going to be honest with you, I don't like our chances here.

That’s about as good as life gets. It’s all downhill from here.

Yoga isn't actually a real thing. Men just invented it for personal reasons.

I’m fine with either option.

It’s not fair.

You'll Cook and Clean???

Attention to detail is very important. There’s a skull under her table and you had no idea.

Well I’ll be damned. Apparently Cats don’t always land on their feet.

Telling them I’m not a real artist is always the most difficult part.

Insurance company: “What caused the accident?” Me: “Batman”

Me: The artist just called in sick. Her: Then who the hell is this guy? Me: I have no idea.

I just hired a new caddie. I don’t even know how to play golf.

I spray the coworkers I don’t like with this and then I tell the boss: “I think they’ve been drinking, we should fire them”