Anthony Scontrino

Entrepreneur? More like entree manure. Eat turds business nerds.

I’ve had sex during Detective Pikachu

I’ve touched Jay Leno’s Tonight Show money

We must eliminate the Cocomelon

Mfw it’s Mardi Gras and everything is normal

The secret to getting any woman to fall for you is to act like their mouth is unbearably spicy the first few times you kiss them. Scream, cry, and punch the ground until your hands bleed and you’ll be irresistible in no time

In honor of the upcoming Biden presidency, I’ve sent all of my followers this shirt that seems like something he would wear if he was just a random guy on the street

Now that Trump is gonna be out of office soon, I can finally freely admit that I met him once and he really stinks. His head just smells bad and his feet are, like, so stinky and his butt smells like piss.

Since Bernie lost the nomination but accurately predicted how the election would go down, I’d like to nominate him to replace Paul, the octopus who correctly predicted the winner in all of Germany’s matches in the 2010 World Cup

Mothers and rappers are the only reasons that voicemail still exists

I’ve committed to both finally investing in nice sneakers and not shaving or cutting my hair till next year, so I look like a gutter punk hypebeast

I’m writing a script. No idea what it’s about but there will be a ton of phone calls that all end in clear and sincere goodbyes before hanging up.

Let us not forget that Rally’s/Checkers tried to come up with a mascot in 2014, and this is what they agreed on

I always know that I’m being too optimistic about how my day’s gonna go when I lather, rinse, and then have the audacity to repeat

The best way to come up with a name for your business today is to have no idea how to spell the product you’re trying to sell

Waking up from a coma-like sleep surrounded by caring friends and family: “...and you were nude, and you and you and you were nude as well!”

Who needs new movies when we have all of these new, impersonal Zoom table reads of old movies!

Thinking back to how mad I’d get when people talked in movie theaters and realizing how much I’d pay a group of strangers to do that for me at home now if I wasn’t risking death

Seeing how difficult and awkward it was for even Dave Chappelle to say something funny on the spot should be a wake up call to all you assholes out there who do that

I ordered a t-shirt and got sent two of the same one but I’ll be damned before I gift one to someone who will look better in it than me