Avraham Menter

I am FFB, a Ba’al Teshuva, and a Ger. Ask me how!

Just got a "Good Shabbos!" text at 3:02. That's either the earliest Good Shabbos of the year or someone trying to get me off my phone before I get myself in trouble.

The last text before Shabbos is always the same three words: "Did you lock?"
"Yes."
"The side door." Seven years. Never once have I locked the side door.

No human being is more productive than a frum guy 12 minutes before candle lighting. I've showered, shaved, filled the urn, and fixed a Shabbos clock in one breath. Sunday through Thursday I can't answer a single email.

Candle lighting is in 47 minutes and I just remembered we have guests. Also that we invited them. Also that I told them "don't bring anything, we've got it."

My boss asked what time Shabbos starts.
"Around 1."
"Even in July?"
"There's a machlokes."

Every Friday:
2:00 – "We have tons of time." 
2:01 to 6:15 – No memories. 
6:16 – Me, half-shaved, yelling "IS THE BLECH ON?!"

Halloween falls on Shabbos this year, so for one night my neighbors will finally stop asking why I'm walking around Florida in a long black coat and hat in 85 degrees. Instead they'll ask what I'm supposed to be.

Started getting the house ready for Shabbos at 8pm Thursday. By 9 I'd moved the same bag of plastic cups from the kitchen to the dining room and back, twice, and somehow lost the bottle of grape juice I was holding.

The "short" vort before Maariv was supposed to be five minutes. We're on minute 28 and he just said "and this brings me to my first point."

Did hagbah this morning. Opened three columns. Some guy in the back yelled "WIDER!" I'm writing this from my chiropractor's office.

My phone autocorrects "Mincha" to "Mitch." I have never met a Mitch. I do not know a Mitch. And yet every day at 1:45 it tries to text Mitch that we're starting.

Asked the gabbai if I could get an aliyah this week. He said "we'll see." In gabbai, that means no.

There's a guy at my office who says "I'll be right there" when Mincha starts. We've learned that means he will finish his email, refill his coffee, take a call, and then ask if we already started.

Nothing builds urgency like nine guys waiting outside the conference room for Mincha, staring through the glass at the tenth while he says "great question, let's unpack that."

Every Thursday night I run into the kosher supermarket for one thing: challah. $287 later I've got six dips, two kugels, a babka "for the guests," and enough nosh to get me through three drashos. No challah.

Same seat in shul for 11 years. This morning a guy I've never seen was sitting in it. I didn't say a word. Just started Shemoneh Esrei right behind him and took my time. He's still there.

My Shabbos prep checklist has three columns: "Must do," "Should do," and "Will somehow still be standing in the kitchen at candle lighting arguing with myself about."