Have you noticed a pattern among many sexual assault allegations? Usually they involve ambiguous “no”s. Now, don’t get me wrong. Consent culture is (mostly) awesome. But. It’s missing half the equation. Training men to accept a no is good. We should *also* be teaching women how to *say* no: • Clearly • Assertively • With a path to escalation • With a way to say “that’s my final no, stop asking” Take the Cornell 7. Apparently she said “hell no” to one proposed foursome - and they accepted the no. Because it was clear and assertive. Another time, one of the men in one of the threesomes was too inebriated to continue, and she told the other they needed to stop. And he stopped. Again, clear and assertive. But the times where it did happen, and she’s calling it rape, were the times she said it ambiguously. She said she was tired. That’s not a no. That’s unclear. That could mean “no” or it could mean “not now” or it could mean “I’m open to persuasion but less inclined than I was before.” She hid under the covers one time. But in her own testimony, that was because new men had arrived and she was naked. This is a normal “oh shit, I’m horrified because I can’t have random men see me naked” reaction. They came to the bed and when one asked her if she was OK, she said she was. I’ve been in many situations where men have been propositioning me, all the way up to the middle of sex, with penetrative intercourse about to start, and I’ve never had any problems with men because I’ve always been very clear. And the thing is, the vast majority of men are not monsters (see links in comment). They’ve always backed off. Even in the Cornell 7 case, every clear no was met with acceptance. I’ll admit, I’ve watched way too much true crime. And even literal serial killers very frequently let the people who struggle and scream go. It’s the people who quietly get into the car or house or freeze who aren’t going to escape full-on actual rape. There have even been studies on this. In a randomized trial at three Canadian universities, a 12-hour course teaching first-year women to recognize and resist sexual coercion cut completed rapes by nearly half over the next year (Senn et al., NEJM, 2015; see links in comment). What about her testimony, where she says she “finally gave in” after being asked “so many times”? This still counts as consent, and no-training would have resolved it. Specifically, training people how to say “this is the final no.” Take a personal experience of my own. A lover from my past wanted to do something I was uncomfortable with. I said no thanks, calmly and assertively. He said “pleaaaase. C’mon. It’ll be fun.” I said, a little more firmly, “No. And stop asking.” This made it clear that the answer was no and that I was also saying no to any more requests. And it worked just fine. This should be part of the no-training. Other ways to say it could be: • It’s no and that’s final. • It’s no, and if you ask again, I’m leaving. • It’s no, and if you ask again, I’ll get very mad. • No, and stop pressuring me. Now what if they don’t accept the no? This is where escalation should be taught. Start off with a calm but assertive no. Be nice. Hearing a no sucks, and men have feelings too (see links in comment). If they don’t accept that, say it more firmly, with a hint of anger, and tell them to stop asking. If that doesn’t work, get angry, push them away, and leave. You don’t want to have sex with somebody who won’t accept a no. If they grab you, fight back, physically. Tell them directly: if they have sex with you now, it will be rape and you will report them immediately and publish it publicly and their reputation will be ruined for life and they will face jail time. In the vast majority of cases, they will back off at this point. And in the vanishingly unlikely event that they do still rape you, scream “rape” again and again and fight back. (Yes, they might hit you. But it’s unlikely to do long-lasting damage and you can use bruises as evidence when you’re at the police station in a few hours.) Because you’re going to take this motherfucker *down*. Right after. Clear-cut rape cases where you scream, fight back, literally call out rape, and have bruising from punching, actually have OK conviction rates. Most of the crazy “rape is never punished” stats you hear come from the fact that most people don’t *report* the crime. Part of the training would be telling people to take the man *down*. And since this was an unambiguous rape and this woman has been trained on how to say no clearly, assertively, and how to escalate, she’s more likely to get justice. Regardless, she’ll also do her part to protect future women. If he’s done something this heinous once, he’ll probably do it again, and then there will be a police record of him being a rapist. Even if the justice system lets him go, she can post publicly about what happened. Society will respond the usual way it responds to a woman being raped post-#MeToo - an outpouring of support for the woman and the loss of reputation and career and mass exiling of the man. During the trial the defense will naturally try to defend the man, but it’s going to be a lot harder with all of the clear no’s. There will undoubtedly be some rape apologists, if enough people see it. But there are some people who are actually pro-genocide. You never can get everybody. A conviction is not guaranteed. It never is. But it’s worth trying to get justice and stop a genuine and dangerous predator from striking again. And this training on how to say no clearly and escalate well would also prevent horrible cases like what’s going on at Cornell. Where the men couldn’t have reasonably known that she wasn’t down. Where it’s not even clear if she *wasn’t* down at the time and simply regretted it later. Also - why did she regret it later? It might have been fine if people hadn’t been slut-shaming her. It might have been fine if the men hadn’t broadcast what they did and put it in that public group chat. Is it possible to consent when inebriated, and does that apply to the men too? Or what about other ways to prevent or reduce the harm of young people having sex when they’re very inebriated? I cover these questions in this essay series analyzing the Cornell episode.