Bad Advice

My future wife is out there somewhere pushing on a pull door. I just know it!

I just want to be rich enough that new furniture I buy comes preassembled.

Reading beer and drinking tweets

I'm saving my afternoon snack calories for drinking tonight.

Put your rain coats on, it’s going to be a weeklong SEC circle jerk. #SugarBowl

This guy fucks. xitter.gq/freememeskids/status/9…

Cheering for Oklahoma only because I feel bad for people that have to live in Oklahoma #RoseBowl

Mornings are so much better when they start in the afternoon.

The lack of NYE tweets on my feed right now mean that either my followers are way more fun than me or way more boring than me.

My dogs celebrate New Years by hiding under the bed because of the fireworks.

I'm one of those lucky people who can eat whatever they want and get a huge gut.

Most people that are as attractive as I am are usually conceited.

I’m doing great on my new diet. It’s called “I’m too lazy to make dinner”

It's not about what you wear, it's about how you take it off.

Watching porn has made me realize that I hate my parents for never giving me a stepsister.

That uneasy feeling when your chipotle burrito moves up the crowded assembly line without you.

I need a second shower this morning to wash the hangover off me.

Even after a bad day, boobs have a way to make me smile.

Shoutout to all you parents lying to your kids right now by eating their cookies, drinking their milk and pretending you are a bearding fat man that thinks your child is nice.

Let’s make it Reindeer up in this place #MerryChristmas