Brandon Fisher

Do you remember celebrity boxing when screech fought horshack? That’s what we just saw. A TV nobody beating the shit out of an old senial has been. #debate

#MareofEasttown spoiler: seven hours and Kate Winslet doesn’t shoot hoops once.

Amazon Fresh is officially using The D.E.N.N.I.S. System for our groceries

I just flew in from DC and boy is this joke tired

Carbo-loading just to get through the day

By law any piece of clothing with long sleeves should be required to also have pockets

I think my robot vacuum is stealing from me

Tryin to stay sober but it’s like - is this what you people do? Just be alert and shit?

My apt is so cold I don’t use the bathroom. It’s like that scene in Christmas Story where the kid gets his tongue stuck to pole, but it’s a toilet seat.

If you're going to run with scissors at least look both ways first

Are we sure Stephen King wasn't born on an Indian burial ground?

It's nice that strippers get to use fake names at work. I wish I could use one too so coworkers couldn't find me in real life.

My new dating site is whitepages.com. Just search for people with unfortunate last names looking to change it through marriage.

I bet at some point a cover band was driving to their gig & heard a song they play on the radio and are like, “We made it! They’re playing our song!”

Like raisins to the grape so are Cheetos to the Cheese puffs

As a society can we all agree to follow driving standards when walking around corners? Turning right, take the inside lane. Turning left, go outside or I will T-bone you into the copier machine.

The game Operation really prepared me for getting food safely out of the work refrigerator

I keep accidentally reading "Larry Kudlow" as "Lisa Kudrow" and it makes the headline seem less crazy for a moment

Have a toothache. Don’t want to pay for dentist. Trying three stooges treatment of wrapping head like a bow w a scarf. Will post updates.

Instead of playing people off at award shows they should just slowly start prying the award from their hands