Huge Jacknuts

On this day in 1980, my oldest sister broke my ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ record single over my head because I tried on her Dolly Parton Halloween mask for fun. I distinctly recall being called ‘lil fucker, you sweated all over Dolly’

Oh you mean witchay woman?

Oh man Turkey Pot Pie farts the next day can kill the weak…

Mary left 15 minutes ago to the prom with her boyfriend Woogie…

That time I went to Yosemite…

I put in a ‘Siesta Clause’ between 130-245 in our yearly planners and no directors caught it, until it reached the Chief of Staff… It was nice knowing all of you

I knew we were fucked when I found out America ran on Dunkin…

5am Crunch Fitness < Crunchwrap Supreme

Chef Boyardee hanging out in the back of the pantry… I see you… let’s eat

Somebody get me one of those sandwiches I bought at that gas station… I’m so hungry I could eat a sandwich bought from a gas station…

I grew up thinking I’d marry a member of Bananarama…

Subarus are just Bisexual Hondas…

Muddy Waters Howlin Wolf Blind Lemon Jefferson If I were a legendary bluesman, my name would be Burnin Chest Omeprazole…

Idk who needs to hear this but: Be careful out there, people in mask cannot be trusted

Yep…

I called in sick with a mental breakdown but that I might be in after lunch…

Not that you’d send off for a ‘That’s So Cool’ trophy for me but I’ve been listening to Dokken most of the day…

They should sell Chester’s Hot Fries at the liquor store checkout. I’d buy em every time

What a lovely day to sneak booze onto the golf course…