Matt Weitzman

AND a accidentally pressed "tweet" before I could figure out the joke! – at Hidden Hills, CA

Shit! Just figured out I spelled Buddha wrong. – at Hidden Hills, CA

It's taken a long time for me not to feel like a disappointment to my father. When will I stop feeling that way about my sons?

So... let me get this straight: The less I write on Twitter, the more followers I get? What does this say about my writing? – at Los Angeles, CA

Taking the subway from Woodland Hills to Staples Center. Feeling like a Los Yorker. – at Los Angeles, CA

It is and I have it now. Thanks for grabbing it! Seriously.

"Kinda ruined Games of Thrones for me when I saw Rob Stark yesterday in skinny jeans," my brother-in-law. – at Hidden Hills, CA

Is anyone more excited than me to watch the #LAKings today? I think there may be 3 others but I don't know who you are. – at Hidden Hills, CA

Generally, my advice is simply perseverance. Keep pushing through. I also like to get outside. And pee in the bushes.

W/ only 25 followers, 4 being porn sites, is it wrong for the co-creator of #americandad to use AmDad to get more followers? I think it is. – at Calabasas, CA

Don't be mad, but with only 24 followers, the love I have for the invitations to porn is just as real as for the rest of my followers.

Lotta people telling me I look like my new baby boy. As an underheight, overweight bald man, I'm pretty sure I look like ALL babies.

I've never seen someone surf and be funny at the same time. Unless a shark is eating them.

Writing thank you notes is a thankless job.

When a month old baby throws up out of his mouth and nose, he doesn't even notice it. I think we could all take a page out of that book.

Does everybody's mom give them so many details? It's just a portable fan!

My second tweet! Proud to say neither of my first two tweets were shit jokes!

Time flies when you're having fun. And the older you get, the faster time moves. So, the oldest people are really having the most fun.