Christopher Ashman

doctor: we had to remove your appendix JRR Tolkien: but that's where I explain why elves hate dwarves

english teacher: describe a tree in as few words as possible. JRR Tolkien: no

cow: moo other cow: cow: ... other cow: cow: m- other cow: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, DANIEL

interrogator: why don’t u just start at the beginning david lynch: no

me: you’re a good boy my dog: :) me: im pretty sad today tho my dog: :) me: my dog: :) me: :)

doctor: have u got a lab coat cruella deville: ya

Liv Tyler implies the existence of Laugh Tyler and Love Tyler

computer: choose a password me: GameOfThrones computer: password has too many characters

[inventing bears] god: make em dangerous af angel: um ok god: cute and cuddly too angel: maybe put the liquor down god: and a dump truck ass lol

pirate: walk the plank me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol pirate: *drops sword* dad?

gf: [holds up an unknown bra] u care to explain this? me: ok *proudly* the bra or 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘦𝘳𝘦 was a term first coined in 1893 whe-

road runner: it’s not you it’s... wiley coyote: don’t road runner: meep

[job interview] me: *hands over poorly written resume* boss: *squinting* ok i’m gonna need u to work with me here me: wow that was easy

hedge fund is short for hedgehog fundraiser

[fire drill] boss: let’s take the stairs me: NO LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND

doctor: so how long have you been sick me: since I bought these heelys

me: I love you my cat: get fucked

teacher: for this exercise set your story somewhere totally random stephen king: ... but still in maine?

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

depressed sheep be like beh