Cairo

My owners forgot to feed me before leaving for work, so I shred the toilet paper into bits. That'll teach them.

They throw the toy and expect me to fetch it. Excuse me. I'm not a kitten. I don't fetch. I'm like, "You're embarrassing yourselves."

It's not too late to make a New Year's resolution to devote more of your life to your cat.

PRO TIP: Don't stare at your cat. We don't like staring. Blink at us to let us know everything is copacetic. Thank you, and you're welcome.

The cat from "Inside Llewyn Davis" deserves an Academy Award for Best Cat. That's a category, is it not? Well, it certainly should be.

Today is bath day for @ChopperInCharge. I tried to teach him how to clean himself, but that simpleton just doesn't want to learn.

Yes, yes. Scratch behind my ears. Yes, that's right. Now under my chin. Wonderful! My goodness, humans make excellent pets.

New Year's resolutions? If I had any, I wouldn't tell you. That's would be revealing weakness, which cats simply never do.

Why are dogs so obnoxious? @ChopperInCharge just spent two hours barking in my face. Two. Hours. >:(

Um? There's only 3/4 cup of food in my bowl, and I have a standing order for 1 cup. Someone's going to lose his or her job over this.

My owner told me, "I could just eat you up with a knife and fork!" What a terrifying, macabre, wildly inappropriate thing to say.

Yesterday, we heard Bart the Stray meowing outside, so my owners let him in the house just this once. No one should be alone on Christmas.

Oh, you got me a box for Christmas! Just what I wanted! What? There's something inside of the box? Why, how terribly unnecessary.

Happy holidays, darlings. I'm going to spend tomorrow blissing out with the new catnip toys Santa is sure to leave in my stocking.