DrunkinThoughts

"Fighting my demons" really means I'm resisting the urge to play Russian Roulette

Moved into my apartment with promises my internet would be hooked up. It was not. After locating the box outside and realizing it was locked. I watched a 5 min video on how to pick a lock with paper clips so I could do it myself. 10 min later I now control the sprinkler system

It was a calculated risk, but birds can't do math for shit.

*Pokes you while deep in thought* "What are you doing?" "Makin sure I can still kick your ass." "..........?" "All signs point to yes, FATTY"

Fuck around and find out is just sex without a condom

Some see the glass half empty, while others see the glass half full. It doesn't really matter when the glass is filled with piss.

I will never say no. I will pile my plate like a starving pig. Only when I've become bacon will I realize I was just being fattened up for their breakfast

When you realized that the person you loved so ferociously didn't want you anymore, you changed. Change is hard but is necessary. It will be unbearable. Stay strong. Keep GOING. Stay true. You got this. It will pass. It is not our form that matters, it is our nature.

I'd rather be yeeting than yoinking

Sometimes it's not about winning. It's about how many pages you can add to the rulebook.

"Never hit first, wait until they strike, counter, and put them down". If you feel it in your instincts that violence is upon you. Hit first, hit hard. If you have the same instinct about a narcissistic and self absorbed woman. You will not win. Escape, run & live another day.

Saying "I play competitive Cornhole" is the whitest thing you can say after "Skedaddle"

"Do you wanna get down?" Nah homie, I wanna lie down. In front of a truck.