Jackie Chan

The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest

I'm not saying your child is ugly...... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about pedophiles.

During summer, you wish you were in school so would have something to do. In school, you wish it was summer so you'd have nothing to do.

99% of girls are hot. the other 1% go to my school .

We found Dove, in a soapless place.

I like food more than people.

Oh, so you say the dress makes you look fat? Silly girl, the fat makes you look fat.

Friends with benefits >

Guns don't kill people. Double cheeseburgers with extra bacon do.

I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

Yo Momma so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.

The shortest scary story ever: The last man on Earth sat in a room. There was a knock at the door.

Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.

I bet Osama Bin Laden accidentally hit the "Add your location" button during his last tweet.

"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" Fuck you, it's my umbrella!

Walmart: because going to Target requires a shower.

Who invented tickling? The first time must had been awkward."Why are you weirdly moving your hands on me?" "Just trust me."

I Cried When I Ran out of Nutella.

Ever have that one person whose presence automaticly pisses you off?

I'll be a vegetarian when bacon grows on trees