College Douche

Meek Mill after hearing about Tiger Woods

Super Bowl commercials were better when Obama was in office.

Pepsi's slogan should be "I'll just have a water" #PepsiHalfTime

Girlfriend gave me a scrapbook of all the things she loves about me. I gave her a five dollar gift card to Blockbuster.

Thanks to the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, girls self esteem is at an all time low. Men, make your moves!

Can't believe they named the #RoyalBaby "Leave"

Jason Collins admitting he is gay will hopefully encourage other professional athletes to come out as well. It's now or never Jeff Gordon.

Don't worry about going to jail for smoking weed. Drugs are cheaper in prison anyways.

Giving Girl Scouts "special" brownies. #happy420

I drank way too much tonight so I'm gonna drive it off.

Good luck tonight, Louisville! Break a leg!

I still feel awful about Kevin Ware's injury. But at least he did it on Easter which is the day Christ died for our shins.

Just created a fun drinking game. Take a shot every time North Korea threatens to bomb us.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

North Korea, you need a Snickers.

Unless you've found a way to blow me through the phone, don't drunk dial me.

Today is a great day to tell your girlfriend how much you love her.

The only time I've ever voted was in a wet t-shirt contest over spring break.

In my experience, fat girls give the best blow jobs since they're always hungry.

Using my roommates shampoo bottle as my spit cup.