Brig. Gen. Zebuliah Noland

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah - A local scribe has taken note of your courage. Father and I are filled with rapturous joy to see your achievements recognized. We await your return to combat within a fortnight at the Duke of Mayonnaise battlefield. -Mother postandcourier.com/sports/ca…

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah Father and I have been reading letters to the editor from the Tiger Regiment supporters. We’ve come to the conclusion that they are just the worst. Mother

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah - Today father and I give thanks for wonderful blessings bestowed upon us. But most of all, we give thanks for sense of fashion. It would be a curse to believe that orange and purple are a sensible combination. In what world? The horror. Love, Mother

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah - Colonel Brown strode onto the battlefield like a rolling crack of thunder. The vile gators were seen fleeing the battle halfway through the fight. Some were so ashamed they created fantasies of war crimes against their brood. Stay vigilant! Mother

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah - Your triumph rings throughout the land. Father and I are so proud of the entire Gamecock regiment. I send to you a portrait of true love and adoration. Treasure it always. - Mother

Dearest @ColonelZebuliah I apologize for my lack of correspondence. Father and I were taken captive by a rogue group of Volunteer trash. They interrogated us to determine where we obtained our teeth and bathing utensils. It was a harrowing experience. Stay vigilant. - Mother

Dearest Zebuliah - I pray for your continued healing and await your return to battle. I am told Colonel Doty is a fine commander and more than capable. Keep your weapon at the ready, for the wildcat brigade are tricksters and frauds, known to feign injury and ambush. - Mother

Dearest Zebuliah - Father and I are overcome with joy of your glorious conquest yesterday. Comrades in arms against the world. The pirates, their striped collaborators, the conference of the southeast. All will fall in your wake. Remember to keep your socks dry. -Mother

Dearest Zebuliah, I do fret so at the thought of you engaging the pirate scum. A noon attack is rife with peril so remember to eat your breakfast. Tell your troops not to shirk at the sight of the North Carolinians for I hear they are vile. Stay strong and vigilant. -Mother

Dearest Zebuliah, Do not fret for their leader is a hypocritical oaf. The lord doest not look fondly on those that speak such blasphemy. God will send down his sparrows of love to shower the Gamecock regiment with success and enrichment. Father says change your socks. -Mother

Dearest Zebuliah, Father and I were so filled with joy to hear you easily vanquished the Eastern Illinois Regiment. News from the northwest part of the state was not so encouraging, as the Clemson brigade could not mount any attack and fell limply to the wayside. -Love Mother