Today my son told me I was a crap parent (I removed the batteries from his Xbox controller as I felt he’d had enough screen time). Maybe he’s the only one who has spoken the truth.
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These things never leave you. Families may have no idea what has been etched on our minds, but we really do care. 24y as a doctor, and more as a medical student, I have numerous cases that I carry with me. I think of each from time to time, even though it’s decades later. What the 16yo on his bike might be doing now; questioning whether I should have challenged my registrar in the management of the VT arrest; how the grandchildren remember their grandmother; what would have become of the stillborn child.
We care - deeply - and carry some of it all with us always. That is part of the privilege.
One thing medical school doesn’t prepare you for:
The patient you couldn’t save.
You go home. You eat dinner. You try to sleep.
The world continues as if nothing happened.
But somewhere, a family is learning how to live without someone they love.
And tomorrow morning, you’re expected to walk into the hospital and do it all again.
Phone call on a train is one thing, but surely there should be some sort of consideration for how very LOUD one speaks? Perhaps I’m just old-fashioned and actually everyone should be free to do as they please regardless of the impact on others.
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You know what, I think I’m getting better. Fragile, undoubtedly, but I almost think I’m safe. Hoping this isn’t a false hope. Desperate to go back to work but think it’s a bit risky - hoping to start to dip my toe in though - fed up with feeling like a useless, fraudulent slacker. ECT is a game-changer.
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Crisis have assured me no MHAA on the cards despite what I told them earlier in the week. This is a huge relief and just maybe I’ll be able to be honest without fear of repercussions going forwards. Being able to speak freely without consequence is the biggest protective intervention there is.
Pondering over where the sweet spot is in the human lifespan. Around long enough to offer the value of experience, but not so long as to have disproportionate need to use.
Getting older is really hard when your identity is that of a young person - for all of us, being younger is all we’ve ever known.
#foreveryoung
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Child birthdays are, I think, even more significant for the parents than the child. Pride in what they’ve achieved, hope for what’s next, relief that you’ve got them this far, sadness at the swift passing of time, gratitude for the gift that they are and thankfulness for the precious memories you’ve made together and who they’re becoming. Most of all, though, it’s overwhelmingly love. Love conquers all.
Have had a lot of psychology around being able to ask for help because I’m awful at it.
Today I was told by CMHT that I’ve had quite a bit of contact recently and they didn’t want me to become reliant. (No contact was initiated by me.)
Revert to type then.
If I didn’t know the ethos of many psych services, I’d take this personally and be upset. However, it’s often just par for the course, so just 🤷♀️.
