“America’s fastest internet” -20th Century Magazine. The right lane of the information highway. Parody
Inland Empire & parts of AZ
Joined May 2018
- Tweets69
- Following7
- Followers70
- Likes187
ATTN: engineers fired from Twitter. EarthLink would like to hire you*
*must have extensive dialup/56K modem experience.
(Please drop off a resume at our Pasadena headquarters. Our email accounts are limited to 10 mb of storage.)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
At Earthlink, you’re valued.
We’re a different kind of company.
We aren’t owned by an obnoxious billionaire.
We steal our office supplies from the UPS store across the street.
Oh God, we’re just barely getting by.
sent from my Jitterbug phone
Legal has advised us to discontinue our friends and family plan after complaints from friends and family.
IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Focus group study revealed that some of you freaks are turned on by the sound of our modems.
EarthLink is a serious dialup provider and not meant to be an aphrodisiac for ASMR weirdos.
Please respect our service.
Introducing…
EarthLink Declassified Dialup™️
-𝙄𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙡𝙪𝙥 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙.
EarthLink FAQ
Young people ask us “Hey EarthLink, what’s the advantage of your super slow dialup service vs high speed internet?”
Life is about the journey, not the destination. You’ll learn that when you get older.
***EARTHLINK SERVICE ALERT***
•We apologize for systemwide outages.
•Kevin dropped his Slurpee in the server.
•He’ll get on repairs as soon as he returns with a new Slurpee.
Some of you young folks have complained about Earthlink’s service.
We serviced your moms for years and they never complained.
MEMO: Re: Mailbox Full. Dads.
Reminder that EarthLink email provides 10 mb of storage.
While this is generous and exceeds limits of other dial-up services, you dads need to delete barbecue pics or accounts will be suspended.
Don’t make me say this twice,
EarthLink
Some of you would like to cancel.
The answer is no, Dan.
You made a commitment to EarthLink and we won’t be ignored.
Big EarthLink welcome to Brett, who we lured from the marketing dept at MapQuest.
Brett leads our DSL rollout in select markets. Get ready to DSLerate!™️
Our phones are frequently overloaded with lost password requests.
Here’s a tip, if you’re over 60, your password is probably “ABC123”
If you’re younger than 60, why do you have an EarthLink account?
Focus Group Highlights:
• “There’s still an EarthLink?”
• “Can EarthLink be trusted with my credit card?
• ”Why does the modem make that horrible sound?”
We hear you.
“𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙤 𝙞𝙨 𝙀𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙇𝙞𝙣𝙠”™️
EarthLink is excited to “dial up” this flashy new phone offer, available all through Pride Month.
“Change is slow, and so is EarthLink™️”
