“Take one pill on an empty stomach” Me: What’s an empty stomach?

Sunday: the only day that gets progressively worse by the fucking hour.

Looking after under 3s is basically being security for someone who’s also the main threat.

Some people should come with a warning label on their forehead that says, “Will drain your will to live!”

Sunday isn’t for getting things done It’s for noticing things that need doing and totally ignoring them

Getting older is being genuinely excited about having absolutely fuck all planned on a Friday night.

We can’t keep calling her Ariana Grande Ariana Skelete is right fucking there!

A toddler can destroy a room faster than you can say, “I’ve literally just fucking tidied that!”

The older I get, the more I realise my parents weren’t boring. They were fucking knackered!

I can already feel my IDGAF powers kicking in today

I tried leaving my comfort zone but there were people out there!

A Bank Holiday is basically the government giving you one day of total happiness then saying, “Right, that’s enough of that shit!”

I checked my bank balance and apparently I’ve been enjoying myself again ffs

Today’s dress code is whatever I slept in

I’m not an alcoholic, by the way 😬

Alcohol: because sometimes I want tomorrow’s anxiety delivered in advance

Yes, I can absolutely stop after one drink… …I’ve just never really wanted to

Looking after a toddler is basically 10% cuddles and 90% saying, “What have you got in your mouth!?”

The older I get, the more my dream job is not having one

Supermarket trolleys need indicators, mirrors and a fucking driving test. Trolley rage is real

I woke up poor again… …can’t believe nobody transferred me £2 million while I slept