Matt Fernandez

Freedom of speech isn't freedom from repercussions. That's why everyone who works retail doesn't tell you to go fuck yourself.

See who your real friends are by asking if they'll touch tips with you inside the Dune 3 popcorn bucket.

The bar falling! Ambulance calling! Hospital bed laying! Liver decaying! Living reckless! Vodka for breakfast! Son of a gun!

Falcons making a bid to play a game in Poland next year.

Dodgers fans' biggest complaint about the World Series is the ratings will be low? Your team is so corporate you've become a PR team instead of fans.

All the Yankees and Guardians fans who think the Rays celebrating was "too much." You should see what your grandparents are getting into in their Florida retirement communities.

Eagles medical staff treating Jalen Hurts

There's gonna be so many stories like this moving forward. Luckily with the new Tesla, when you get there and find out she's fake, you can launch your car into the atmosphere and kill yourself.

We can't all be held to the impossibly high standards of Casey Anthony. Most people don't even kill their kids, let alone get away with it. #Girlboss

Women posting gym selfies talking about "Dressed like a whore today! Don't care about men!" and they look like this. You're not who he was talking about.

Are you really upset about Shane Gillis' joke? Or do you just miss your dad?

What level of indoctrination is it where you can tell people they're fucking morons and they give you a standing ovation? Waco? Jonestown?

Normalize teaching kids they're only special to their parents.

"Batman's famously bad parents. Selfishly being murdered."

If Columbine happened at Cornell, they would've had to write "I will not shoot my classmates" a hundred times on a chalkboard after.

Time to put your money where your mouth is. Do you want Palestine to be free enough to go to a Macklemore concert?

We wear bags, but they're plastic and air tight, and we wear them until sweet nothingness takes us.

Robert Kraft: "How much?" Bill Belichick: "What? Mr. Kraft, it's me Bill." Robert Kraft: "I'll give you an extra 50 if you let me finish on them."