Fish Umai

Last quarter I announced a milestone. 30% of our code is now written by AI. I called it "engineering velocity." The board loved that phrase. They didn't ask what the code does. Neither did we. It compiles. Usually. That's the metric. Someone asked about testing. I said "AI-assisted quality assurance." That means the AI writes the tests too. For the code it wrote. It finds no issues. Very efficient. This week we admitted Windows 11 core features are broken. Audio doesn't work. Explorer crashes. Updates fail to install. Users asked why. I said "we're investigating." Investigating means reading the code. The code the AI wrote. That no human understands. Because understanding isn't scalable. Our CTO says 95% of code will be AI-generated by 2030. I believe him. I have to. We fired the people who would check. They were "non-essential headcount." Essential means writes code. AI writes code. Humans are overhead. Overhead gets optimized. We optimized 10,000 engineers last year. This year the bugs arrived. Unrelated, obviously. The engineers we kept are debugging AI output. They don't understand it either. But they're "cross-functional." Cross-functional means they do everything. Everything means nothing well. A user asked why their audio disappeared after an update. I said "install updated drivers." They asked why the update broke the drivers. I said "report it via Feedback Hub." They asked what happens to feedback. I said "it helps us prioritize." Prioritize means add to backlog. Backlog means never. But politely. Someone on Hacker News called this "a privacy and consent disaster." I called it "an evolving user experience." Same thing. Different framing. We released a fix. The fix broke something else. The something else was also written by AI. The fix was also written by AI. They're collaborating now. I call it "autonomous iteration." The autonomous iteration has created 47 new bugs. Each bug spawns a fix. Each fix spawns two bugs. Exponential growth. Just like our stock price. Unrelated, obviously. Satya told Mark we're at 30%. Mark said he didn't know Meta's number. Sundar said Google is also at 30%. None of us know what the code does. But we know the percentage. Percentage is a metric. Metrics go in earnings calls. Earnings calls move stock prices. Stock prices determine bonuses. Bonuses determine success. Success means the bugs don't matter. Users asked when Windows will work again. I said "we're committed to quality." Quality means it ships. Ships means it's your problem now. Thank you for being part of the Microsoft family. Family means you can't leave. We're in your enterprise agreement. For three more years. The circle of innovation.

Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees. $30 per seat per month. $1.4 million annually. I called it "digital transformation." The board loved that phrase. They approved it in eleven minutes. No one asked what it would actually do. Including me. I told everyone it would "10x productivity." That's not a real number. But it sounds like one. HR asked how we'd measure the 10x. I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards." They stopped asking. Three months later I checked the usage reports. 47 people had opened it. 12 had used it more than once. One of them was me. I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds. It took 45 seconds. Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations. But I called it a "pilot success." Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail. The CFO asked about ROI. I showed him a graph. The graph went up and to the right. It measured "AI enablement." I made that metric up. He nodded approvingly. We're "AI-enabled" now. I don't know what that means. But it's in our investor deck. A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT. I said we needed "enterprise-grade security." He asked what that meant. I said "compliance." He asked which compliance. I said "all of them." He looked skeptical. I scheduled him for a "career development conversation." He stopped asking questions. Microsoft sent a case study team. They wanted to feature us as a success story. I told them we "saved 40,000 hours." I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up. They didn't verify it. They never do. Now we're on Microsoft's website. "Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot." The CEO shared it on LinkedIn. He got 3,000 likes. He's never used Copilot. None of the executives have. We have an exemption. "Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction." I wrote that policy. The licenses renew next month. I'm requesting an expansion. 5,000 more seats. We haven't used the first 4,000. But this time we'll "drive adoption." Adoption means mandatory training. Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches. But completion will be tracked. Completion is a metric. Metrics go in dashboards. Dashboards go in board presentations. Board presentations get me promoted. I'll be SVP by Q3. I still don't know what Copilot does. But I know what it's for. It's for showing we're "investing in AI." Investment means spending. Spending means commitment. Commitment means we're serious about the future. The future is whatever I say it is. As long as the graph goes up and to the right.