Considering moving to Japan. They have Godzilla to protect their world from beasts. What do we have? Nothing, that's what.

I think my dream of being an MMA fighter died when I realized it's not normal to yell out the name of every attack like I'm in an anime.

Told lady that if she keeps talking to me like that, I'll be the one shitting in her yard. That's just how I do.

If I was rich enough, I'd pay DMX to do his trademark bark right behind me as I entered rooms.

Just ripped my underwear. I'm pretty sure I've angered a vengeful witch, today has been a bad day.

I can't believe the cute girl I didn't talk to or acknowledge just left Starbucks without making out with me. Some girls are so stuck up.

Just asked the cab driver to swing through the McDonald's drive through so I could buy an apple juice for $1.99. Nigga, we thirsty.

In honor of Christopher Hitchens day, have a glass of Johnny Walker Black — neat, with a splash of soda water.

Oh, I forgot @SarahKSilverman, I could waste away into old age with her too.

A comprehensive list of what I’ve accomplished today:

This meal makes me feel homeless. Panera food is basically soup kitchen food, with an added white privilege tax.

Is it so much to ask that my apple is cut into slices, as if for a toddler? This meal is horse shit.

Told the guy at Panera Bread I'd like to "Eat the ass out some chicken noodle soup" his eyes implied my need to grow up and quit video games

There's a store beside me called "Bee U Consignment - Clothing your whole Hive 4 Less" I hope they find no meaning or comfort in life.