Really Grumpy Cat

I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire, and I had water, I’d drink it.

#EverybodyWantsToBe in a lasting relationship. But it won't happen to you, because you're ugly.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. Unless you're a hoe... Then be ashamed.

Sometimes when I say "It's okay", I really mean "Go fuck yourself".

THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously, it's not fucking rocket science.

Please continue to chew with your mouth open, I love the sound of food being turned to mush.

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

*How girls tweet* Saturday: soooooo drunk like omg. Sunday: John 3:16. Bitch, please.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the waterfall.

If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it.

When people ask stupid questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers.

Do I look like I "rise and shine"?

I live for two reasons: 1) I was born. 2) I haven't died yet.

You know what makes me smile? The muscles in my face.

I'll be happy before Taylor Swift finds love.

"Did your mom drop you as a baby?" "Yeah, into a pool of sexy."

I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

My favorite thing to do is sleep.

It's not that I hate you, I just hate everyone.

NEVER judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Unless he is wearing Crocs. At that point you know he's gay.