@IamJackBoot

The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.

 Fly over country
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Joined July 2014
  • Tweets145K
  • Following976
  • Followers12.9K
The time my bongos caught fire. It was terrible. No one would help and the more frantically I tried to put them out the louder everyone cheered.
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Talking to a survivalist in the faucet aisle at Home Depot who says hot water is a scam.
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Jack Boot retweeted
Just Bill
@WilliamAderOct 16
Visited MacArthur Park. Found a cake. It was wet.
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Third grade is when you get the best vocabulary words. Showy prefixes, cavalier silent letters. You're only eight years old, and they're trusting you with the good stuff.
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(Moody 20s) Probably that time of the month (Moody 40s) Probably perimenopause (Moody 50s ) Oh shit, this is just my personality
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Jack Boot retweeted
Just Bill
@WilliamAderOct 19
Katie Zacharia just delivered my Instacart order.
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again"
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Men's groups are not for me. I would join a women's group.
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Theme from “Cheers” (with some different chords)
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Jack Boot retweeted
Jack Boot@IamJackBootMay 29
"I went to Spain to see the Spanish Steps. You know what a mutherfucker never tells you 'bout the mutherfuckin' Spanish Steps?" - Jules Winnfield walks the earth.
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Jack Boot retweeted
Jack Boot@IamJackBootJun 9
It takes less time to make a bundt cake than to wash a bundt cake pan.
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Jack Boot retweeted
Jack Boot@IamJackBootOct 17
They keep trying to figure out where Amelia Earhart's plane went down but, honestly, she's probably dead by now.
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Flight attendant: In the event of a water landing... Landing? "Landing" is a pretty generous word for ending up in the Atlantic Ocean.
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All standing pangolins look like Bob Cratchit asking for Christmas day off.
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Jack Boot retweeted
Just Bill
@WilliamAderOct 17
In the future, everyone will be White House Press Secretary for 15 minutes.
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False alarm everyone. It's not the Spawn of Satan. Turns out, it was just Rosemary's food baby.
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Folks just don’t dial M for Murder anymore.
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They keep trying to figure out where Amelia Earhart's plane went down but, honestly, she's probably dead by now.
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My boyfriend has been on eBay all week. I think I’ll wait a day and then lower the price
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