Iowa Republicans

UPDATE: We've recounted our caucus votes again. Right now we're showing Eli Manning edging out Romney, Santorum and Bueller. #Nevada

UPDATE! Took a break from the president's speech and found a grain silo full of Rick Perry votes. Oops. Can someone ping him? #SOTU

We know everyone is focused on the president's speech, but can someone let us know if we can stop recounting votes now? Hungry. #SOTU

Internal investigation has turned up a faulty abacus at the Lansing City Library as most likely cause for delay in Iowa Caucus final tally.

UPDATE! We are now prepared to declare Fred Thompson the winner of the 2012 Iowa Caucus. Major factor: His Die Hard 2 performance. #FLDebate

BREAKING: One of our precinct captains has discovered a bag under his desk labeled "Big Sack of Votes." Hoping it's a Santa prank. #FLDebate

Update: Heidi Klum is said to be divorcing popular singer/songwriter Seal. And not, as we projected, Mitt Romney. #Iowa #GOP

Update: We now have irrefutable evidence that Jason Alexander, and not Mitt Romney, was the spokesperson for the McDLT. tinyurl.com/g2e6l

Update: We can now declare that Gary Bauer finished 4th in the 2000 Iowa caucuses. And was terrific for eight seasons on 24. #Iowa

Update: We are now prepared to declare 2008's "Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy" to be a highly disappointing album. #Iowa

Update: Receiving an irrefutable 7% of all votes, Pierre S. "Pete" du Pont IV has finished fifth in the 1988 Iowa Republican Caucus. #Iowa