calooch

my bf sent the Open Table bot a thank u text so it will remember when the revolution comes

today i refuse to be high. today i am low. army crawling only til midnight who will join me

On this free show tn! @goodheroinshow

which retinol they got these apples on

lovely meal at Smitty’s Grill, tho no one complimented my bf’s new hat

slept on a diagonal and woke up more interesting

UnSirius

I order my coffee black, then fold my hands on the table—convinced that the server now finds me all growed up

google says it’s 75 out but my steering wheel says

“In the mood for a taco that’s been rained on.” “Have you tried HomeState?”

Just remember, the only one watching you is you and the Eye of Sauron.

please lordt, give me strength to fake laugh in the office today

There’s a mannequin in the garage next to mine and I can see thru the slats that it’s always changing position—it’s Tyra Banks I know it

do they hide the eggs at the fertility clinic

First to arrive at the bar? Just stand in the bathroom line and say “after you” until your friends get there

*friend opens car door* me: woah easy easy that’s the shelf where i keep the half drank coffee cups

not tryin to be rude but how do you mute someone when they get a new haircut