If you’re an associate of JD Power, please raise your hand.

hi @JLSearch! I heard you are matching donations to @eji_org. Please see my receipt attached - thank you!

Humans aren't meant to live on the internet, they're land animals.

My adult onset double chin has turned into adult onset cankles.

You know that moment when you put the toilet seat cover down but then it falls in the water and you just shrug and go bare ass on the seat?

If I keep opening my camera and it's unexpectedly front facing, I am NOT going to make it to 30.

A straight man has no guilt.

You guys know your dogs don't check Instagram, right? Okay, cool. Good talk. #NationalDogDay

I'd love a Mountain Dew: Code Red right about now.

How pissed would Putin be if you accidentally called him pudding?

Pretty sure all the guys left on the Bachelorette wear bump-its. Makes a girl miss the frosted tip movement of '05.

Skinny girls with double chins are the craziest of them all.

Never trust a millennial who owns a home.

According to my calculations, wearing white pants increases the chances of starting your period by 96.7%.

Fun game alert! Drink every time you see a car thermometer pic in any of your social feeds.

I just got honked at by a middle age woman with a "cattitude" bumper sticker. It's probably future me, warning now me of what's to come.

Hey guys, trying to raise money for some stuff. Could everyone just venmo me a dollar? Thanks!

Buying toilet paper is so embarrassing. The checker knows what I'm about to do with it and that I bought the cheapest one.

I decided my stripper name is Wetzel Pretzel. I hope it's not taken!

Ask and receive? Nope. Ignore and receive? Yup. #texting