Jem Zornow

I ate too many animal crackers and now my stomach hurts. For reference: I am an adult.

My wife's defense against the "cult of domesticity" is to be so bad at housework that no one ever asks her to do any of it.

I cannot disagree with this strongly enough. What an unhealthy lifestyle to encourage.

Having strong opinions about how people ‘ought’ to behave has little bearing on the world, but a big effect on your overall happiness. People are unpredictable, weird and messy, and they will rarely live up to your ideals. The sooner you swallow that, the happier you will be.

A: “I think that we should call the Object FooBar.” B: “I disagree.” (Two full whiteboards and 90 minutes later.) B: “How about we name it FooBar?” A: 🥴

*Coworker tells extended story about the heavy responsibility of childrearing.* Me: Wow that sounds great. I’m going to go hang out in front of the microwave for a little bit.

Hollywood has taught us that you need to fight the hardest when nobody believes in you and everyone says you're wrong. That is a terrible lesson. If literally everyone says that you're wrong, you're probably wrong. Stop and take stock for a minute before you do something dumb.

OFFICE PUUUUUP

But if you're illiterate, this sign says: "Touch he magic clover and you, too, will turn into sprinkles."

Proof that I’m not ready for kids: I just accidentally used the “Boiling Water” tap on the water cooler to water my desk plant. Because I know you’ll be worried after reading that, he appears to be okay.

Now that I think on it, I’ve never met a Joan that I got along with.

Just realized my Monday is actually a Wednesday. #tearsofjoy

F*ck yeah RBG. Stay up for a few more rounds. We need you more than ever.

Things easier than getting a refund from @GoogleStore: - Cold fusion - Legally marrying your dog in the state of Iowa - Earning the approval of the steely eyed Reverend from Footloose - Getting a refund from literally any other business.

I’m like “I’ve been making websites for ten years and I know what looks good” and then the client’s like “yeah but our founder *really* likes flaming text so…”

The hold music for @madebygoogle is the same John Phillips Susa march that just repeats over and over again. I’ve been on hold for LITERALLY HOURS and I know the whole thing by heart. #torture

I just realized that @todoist has a keyboard shortcut for creating subtasks and I was like gph.is/1a90gVD

“Hi I’d like a SleepyTime tea with two shots of espresso."

The dirty chai that I just made was mostly espresso. Maybe I should just start drinking coffee again.