Penny Kowers

20 years ago, the VAN mascot poisoned me and I almost died. Nobody bats an eye. Fast forward to now, and people are furious at someone saying “NOLA is a good team” and calling someone sweetheart. This is why we shouldn’t give everyone a trophy when they’re 3. #PBESim #FKVAN

Watching Detroit kick some a ss is fantastic. #PBEsim

Final vote tallies were in: Six write-in votes for Penny Kowers to be elected President. Not bad considering I didn’t even try. #PBEsim

Man, I remember when the PBE was a tough league. I had a mascot poison me for F’s sakes. Now if you say like “holy Christmas!” You get a two week ban for not mentioning everyone other religion or something. We, no, they got soft. Very soft. #PBESim #MaybeItsTimeToMakePBEFunAgain

Amazing. These kids in Detroit actually listen to the greatness that I spit at them, and we’re defying projections. 12-11? I’ll take that. Better than DVS? FK yeah. #pbesim

Hey idiots. Go vote. For me, into the Hall of Fame. What else would I mean? #Kowers2020 #PBESim

I don’t like to give credit like, ever. BUT IM FEELING CRABBY TONIGHT. #PBEsim

Man we suck. I might have to come out of retirement. #pbesim

Rumors abound that Vancouver might rebrand because people don’t like them. Get tough losers. You’re a tent pole franchise for our history. You’re not allowed to change. You earned that hate. It’s jealousy. Except mine. Mine is real. #NoChanges #PBESim

Pretty Amazing that the same day I out PBE Head Office for being scumbags, Detective Wooloo wasn’t allowed to pitch in our first 9 games and went ‘missing’ for a time. #WheresWooloo? #PBESim

Congrats to Utah for overcoming the odds and beating the Crabs in a World Series. I think that only leaves Nashville to do that from the West. And remember kids, Penny follows no one, you all follow me. #PBESim

18 Saves, leading the league, Best Of All Time, in my 17th season, give me my Reliever of the Year trophy and just name it after me now. No need to wait for me to retire. It’s fine. Enjoy it idiots, the ride is almost over. #PBESim #Kowers #BestEver

Hey, dumb GMs, Pro Tip: if you’re going to approach me about trade talks or fostering relationships that’s fine. I enjoy when you suck up to me and tell me how great I am. But seriously, get my F’N name right. #PBESim #VancouverBackOnTheirBS

It’s about time the PBE HO did something right. It’s Czar Kowers to you now. #DetroitIsComingForYou #FearTheDemons #PBESim

It’s still freakin’ amazing that people were wrong 47 times in a row. #PBESim #StillHere #TheBestEver

The Vandals did Penny dirty. Told me they wanted me to stay, I even would’ve taken less cash to do so. All of a sudden my key doesn’t work, the lights are turned off, but I can hear everyone telling each other to “Shhh” inside. Amazing franchise. #PBESim #TrustMeTheyreCheating

Time to whip some more A$$ in the playoffs. #RelieverOfTheYear #PBESim #FNVandals #ThePitchesNeverMattered

Currently in Nashville. Yeah, their baseball team is the worst of all time (Non-Utah division of course), but three bands have played “Enter Sandman” so far and it made me strike a bunch of random idiots out. I love being me. #PBESim

There’s literally no F’N surprise that as soon as I join the scumbag Vandals, we start to win a whole bunch. Feels great to close again, yet I can’t stop winning games. 5 appearances, 3 wins. That’s probably more than Utah and Nashville have combined. #BestInTheWorld #PBESim

Still tho, F Vic Vandal. #PBESIM