@PaperWash

moonstone https://xitter.cf/t.co/Im90eMUfPb

Joined August 2011
  • Tweets80.2K
  • Following806
  • Followers40.6K
6.3KMedia
18: can I buy a bottle of wine? USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible 18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education? USA: we encourage it
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tonight is the FULL MOON, make sure to leave out a glass of water by a window and in the morning drink it and you'll get werewolf powers
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agent: these contracts are OK, but we need to make your name sound more "French" The Bron Jimmy: why??
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oh you like cold pizza? is that so? you walk into pizzerias and ask for their two coldest slices? is that right? you go to restaurants and order the Cold Pizza? is that what you're doing? when the delivery comes you put that pie in the fridge for an hour before eating? fuck off
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me: [paying $500 dollar monthly subscription] I'm in so much pain doctor: have you tried ibuprofen?
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paperwash© retweeted
B Wood
@BeastOfWoodOct 4
Too slow squiggly boi
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you can get people to fill out your survey if you tell them it has 20 grams of protein
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good luck at your gambling addiction therapy session!
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paperwash©
@PaperWash6 Aug 2014
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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tasman
@lildorothy_Sep 30
(me as a therapist) can we talk about me now
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[opens birthday present and its a pair of socks] hell yeah [opens 2nd birthday present and its another pair of socks] OH HELL YEAHH
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My phone which is ruining my life in 100s of different ways: the volume you listen to music at is mildly unsafe
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John Kennedy
@FrazzleMyGimpSep 28
(Baseball game) Hotdog guy: hotdogs! Me waving him down: all good over here Him: what? Me standing up and going to him: I don’t want a hotdog
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wife: did you eat any fruit today? me: yeah I had two monster energy drinks this morning wife: me: wife: me: it's got citrus
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sorry, my cat walked across my keyboard and deleted my homework
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ratman@CoalPowersSep 25
Imagine being the lowest elevation corpse on mount everest. Fucking loser
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our lives are just an amalgamation of nonsensical tomfoolery on a ferris wheel of grand shenanigans
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Geraldo@voiceofgeraldoSep 21
Lying about my birthday at chilis, getting caught, then escalating into a suicide by cop situation
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me: and for appetizers I've prepared a hand pressed maize tortilla, artisanal fromage & fire-roasted filling, griddled à la plancha, with a salsa roja reduction" wife: that's just a microwaved tortilla with shredded cheese and Frank's red hot
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paperwash©
@PaperWash8 Aug 2013
A tweet so confusing you turn your radio down to read it
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I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs. *turns up volume* SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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