Pondbear

My 3yo just said I'm "funny like blueys dad" there is literally not a higher compliment that i can be paid

My economics teacher did this with Phillip morris and begged us all to start smoking lmao

I asked my grandpa when he was coughing “grandpa are you okay?” he said, hell no I'm not okay have you seen anyone okay act like this.

First one to close their windows is a loser

Who are these people who update gasbuddy all the time

Let me know which white person concentration camp you’re being sent to today, so we can pick the same one and hang out

Facebook is lit today

Hope someone made some money off this

There’s a hardware store (same one that does slaw fest) that does a Christmas train and Santa experience all in this big ass store. 12 cars/train 40 rides/day 30 days $90 per car Sullivans making $1M this month just on the train rides

Just know that the time change and Halloween on the same weekend is a special hell for parents of young kids

Neighborhood chatter karens are massively pissed at the 16 year old who emptied buckets of candy in his bag on camera. Has progressed to taking personal shots at at how fast each others husbands drive on the road. Will report back with any more exciting updates

I fucked around and accidentally let a bunch of mosquitoes in my house tonight. Gonna try to let a bunch of spiders in from the garage to take care of the mosquito problem.

GM to everyone except my kids bus driver, who thinks the best way to drive a route is to be as early and fast as possible.

Just signed an NDA. Ask me anything

Stop your anti biotics after a few doses cuz you feel better

Don’t wash or stab your baked potato before microwaving it

Throw the Wendy’s frosty spoon away and make her use a regular metal spoon

Fix your woman’s bad mood by: taking her to the drive thru. Let her order first. order nothing for yourself. throw the straw for her Diet Coke out the window.

Some rain wouldn't be too bad here to wash away the pee smell from the spot Ive been pissing on the driveway for weeks

Reminder: Today is the last day to set your turkey out to thaw for before Thanksgiving

Fact about me. I suck at swallowing pills so i either chew them or, like this 900mg fuckin horse pill of amoxicillin…I have to crush it up and put it in apple sauce like I’m your stupid cat that won’t eat one