Diana

Eating my banana like it’s corn so I don’t get called to HR.

I didn’t write this, but it’s accurate.

As I walked in from the warehouse, one of the office ladies cornered me to talk about her meatloaf recipe. She knows I hate meatloaf, but kept insisting I just hadn’t tried hers. Said she’d bring me some. Tomorrow. It’s Monday at 7:24 am, Patricia, calm the fuck down.

Was watching videos on my phone while I brushed my teeth, started laughing and bent down, and accidentally choked myself on my toothbrush. Skill level: negligible

Told myself I was going to go downstairs and work out after Friday night takeout, and I theoretically *could* stop rubbing my belly, roll myself off the couch, and go downstairs, but it’s all kinda starting to sound like a tomorrow problem.

I’m so overstimulated by my hair right now that if I had a pair of scissors in the car with me, I’d be giving myself a fuck ass bob.

And it starts 🥰

The guys that had to deal with roaches yesterday vented for a while when they came back (understandably, because ew), but by the end we were all laughing. I left them these in their trucks this morning. I’m sure they’re going to end up on hard hats 😂

And now we Friday.

If there’s one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I’m going to be dramatic about a sneeze.

One of the guys told me this morning that my sweater reminded him he had to pee. One is onsite sending me videos of cockroaches that he’s killing with some kind of spray. And another is texting me about what to get his girlfriend for her birthday. Being mom to 25 men is great.

Making sure I feel safe with you is the flexiest of the flexes.

At 16 I told my dad that my boss (40) had crawled across the floor behind me, covered my eyes, and whispered, “Hi, pretty,” in my ear. He just grabbed his keys and walked out, came back after dinner, and told me I could quit, but that I’d be safe if I wanted to go back. ❤️

Just absentmindedly rubbing my sore glute in the grocery store as I zone out comparing energy drinks, then realizing I’m blocking not one, but two people with my ass rubbing. So, the usual.

My heart was so happy to learn this that I decided to rock the Virginia shirt today. Virginia is for ALL the lovers.

I’ve started getting advertisements for inmates looking for penpals. So I’ve got that going for me.

Hula hooping in my garage before 5am and this video comes on, and yep, I’m living proof of this claim.