It’s polling day in the only democracy in the Middle East that is carrying out a genocide—and the big question on every Zionist’s lips is: Should we choose the guy who is currently destroying Gaza, or one of his rivals who think they could do a better job? Prime minister Voldemort seems unlikely to win this time around, but he might hold onto power if he can form a coalition with some of the most evil villains in existence. Again. Many Zionists think it’s time for Voldemort to step aside, but I don’t think we should forget his contribution to the Greater Israel Project. He’s the guy who funnelled $1 billion to Hamas and then ignored warnings about October 7 so he had an excuse for genocide. If it wasn’t for Voldemort, Gaza would still be standing, so we owe him a lot. On the down side, he keeps losing fights to Iran and also to an 11-year-old boy, and that’s a bit embarrassing. Voldemort’s main challenger is Sauron. He’s a controversial character because he prefers a moderate approach to genocide. He wants to make Israel look respectable while it expands its borders to encompass all of Middle Earth. The former IDF chief is known for his patient approach towards Lebanon known as the Dahiya Doctrine. Here’s what he once said about it: “What happened in the Dahiya quarter of Beirut in 2006 will happen in every village from which Israel is fired on... We will apply disproportionate force on it and cause great damage and destruction there.” Sauron has criticised Netanyahu for security failings on October 7, but he could not explain how he would’ve started genocide without those failings. The incoherence of his message is Sauron’s biggest weakness, but if he’s finally got the One Ring, this race is over. Western liberals are hopeful that a nice guy like Sauron can take control of Israel so that they can blame the country’s recent crimes on Voldemort. If he loses, there’s a real chance that Voldemort could face the wrath of the law. No, not for genocide, silly! Israelis will give Voldemort a medal for that. But he might have to pay one or two of the parking fines he’s been dodging. Accountability for politicians is what separates a real democracy like Israel from all those savage countries that it can’t stop bombing. Voldemort actually wanted to start bombing Iran again, so he could postpone repayment of those parking fines. However, the current IDF chief is too principled for that. He doesn’t want to start an illegal war until the matter of those parking fines is resolved. The other challengers in this election—Darth Vader, Skeletor, Mumm Ra, Mr Burns, Bowser, and Hannibal Lecter—are unlikely to win outright, but depending on how things pan out, could still find themselves as part of a coalition. Their views on genocide are certainly interesting. For example, Darth Vader wants to fire a Death Star at the last partially functioning hospital in Gaza, and publicly execute his opponents with a psychic throat grab. Skeletor wants to create a cosy holiday resort in Gaza and hopes to rebuild Castle Greyskull over the bones of Palestinian children. And Hannibal Lecter is eager to turn Gaza into a human cattle ranch. The other contenders are far too moderate for my liking and are best ignored. All that matters is that whoever wins, Palestinians will keep getting murdered, Trump will be blackmailed into restarting the Iran war, an Epstein statue will be built in Jerusalem, and everyone who criticises this insanity will be called an antisemite.

The latest betting odds show the Israeli election is now a foregone conclusion. Bookmakers say there's a 100% that a supporter of genocide will be the next Israeli PM. You heard it here first.