Wonder Red

My New Years resolution is to follow @sprattconnor on twitter

Sorry for my super noticeable absence lately, I’m still making big moves but every time I log on here I start taking poison damage

I’m convinced that I get sick every couple of months because my body is trying to make me drink water. It’s crafty like that. Back to Dr Pepper when I can breathe again you little trickster

Finally tried a banana

They said I’d never tweet again. They offered me 14.3 million USD to never draft another tweet. But I just love the game too much

I can’t put night shift at the blood bank on my resume. Everyone on earth will think I’m a vampire

People will really let you use their shower and neglect to mention that you have to play Stravinsky on the faucet dials to turn it on

I get to be the best man this weekend. Shocked to discover that until then there’s a better man out there

A year out from my horrible life-changing injury where I hurt my disc-throwing shoulder a little bit, I’m now the world’s best right-handed left-handed frisbee golfer

I can look at a blood sample and tell its blood sugar, white blood cell count, the person’s name, date of birth, credit card information, whether they need more iron, etc. But my boss is mad because I “can’t tell it’s orange.” When would that ever come up again

“Can you make me a car?” I ask Giggles the Clown, taking ten bucks out of a big sack. He nods and starts blowing into a balloon. Distant police sirens gradually get louder. “Speed it up, Giggles”

For the fifth year in a row Hollywood has rejected my proposal for the Bee Movie sequel featuring Matt Stamen

Using a combination of IT skills and detective sleuthing to figure out when I put this food in the oven

Don’t look at this tweet

Somewhere in the neighborhood a guy is going ham on the church bells. We’re four minutes into the hour and I think he’s starting a new riff