Queef Chegwin

today I spent six hours dancing alone in an abandoned factory in my mums swimming costume pretending to be in an edgy music video

I dont know if its the gentle vibrations or because it smells like an old ladys hair but this bus is making me so, so wet.

@1a2b3cJessii I'm whatever you want me to be. I'm your wet nightmare.

I like my women like I like my tea: Lukewarm, weak and excessively milky.

Softly stroke my egg sac while you whisper that you love me

Pan-fried ballbag

I'll pay you £4 a week to keep my neck fluff under control

I wish everyone would stop posting pictures of their mothers. its making me uncomfortably horny. #mums

I just feel like I will never be able to find happiness within myself until my thigh gap is at least 4 inches wide

I wish there was a word to adequately describe how utterly terrified I am of cupboards

today is a pampering day (cleaning my ears out, Veeting my foreskin and using the expensive lotion as lube)

So excited about the postman arriving this morning with a big bundle of romance! (ordered some nipple clamps and a rubber fist yesterday)

Anal Bingo

a man at the bus stop did a mind crime on me and now I can't finish the rest of my sandwich

I purposely lied and gave the wrong answers at my eye test and now I cant see properly thru my new glasses and have a headache

just let myself have a single beef hula hoop as a special sunday night treat

if you were starving and hadnt eaten for days and had no other choice would you fist a cow to death? #askevander

bought 16 copies of @robbiewilliams' rudebox in the hmv sale for 20p each, reckon they'll be worth hundreds one day

im seriously allergic to pigeons, if one flys too close my scrotum instantly balloons to the size of a pumpkin

stacey thripple told angela watts not to invite me to her chinese new year pool party just because I wear shoes from asda and my ears smell