Dan Shapiro

Just got back from Jazzercize. Needless to say, everyone had a good time.

My new diet is working out great: all mozzarella sticks, all the time.

Jesus! Who do I have to blow to be labeled a homosexual around here?!

That call was terrible! How did they think these replacements could ever work? . I couldn't make out a word my mom said on my new iPhone!

Knock knock. Who's there? Beer. Beer who? Beer-ight back after I drink this beer!

You guys ever eat at The Cheesecake Factory? I just took a poop so big I think I have postpartum depression.

Just heard Anderson Cooper ruled in favor of the individual man date. What a beautiful guy!

With our president's recent statement, I'd like to say that I won't be getting married until gay people can get married. Because I'm gay.

I don't understand why people are so surprised by MCA's death. That guy's been ill since the 80s.

You all may have noticed a change in my facial hair, but don't be alarmed. It's just a trial run for my new moniker: DJ Dan Shavebeardo.

Damn it Costner, you had one job!

Just heard Kim Kardashian died. For being 69 years old, the picture on her obituary looked hot!

Whenever I ate at the Grill it tasted like hobo toe cheese. I guess I should have tried something other than the Hobo Toe Cheese on rye.

Went to the dentist today. Why didn't any of you guys tell me grape Fanta isn't a brand of mouthwash?

Hey guys. I'm DJing the Fatty Arbuckle benefit at the Hollywood sign this Thursday. Come on out in blackface to help "bang out rape"!

Last night I assumed the role of "Newton Gangsnatch" and hacked the Gibson. Debbie had it coming.

New new handle: "Newton Gangsnatch"

New handle: "Cyber-numerary Nipple"

All the world's a stage, and I just farted.