STAY TUNED EVERYONE! 2027 New Stand up Tour Announcement COMING SOON!

Look at this newly purchased unopened Fairy Liquid Bottle! You could fit a walnut whip in that space! Or five chipolatas, or an Alsatian’s nose……. What do YOU think would fit in that space ? @ProcterGamble

My take on Netflix 501 Littler challenge: Assuming the challengers throw first, I think in MOST legs 15 darts would be enough to beat him. Littler won’t throw 12 darters and less all night. I don’t see that. Pub players no chance. County players the odd chance.

If a road is a 30 mph limit for 50 years and then it’s changed to a 20, you’re going to catch a lot of people. It’s like if overnight it was made illegal for policeman to say ‘’ello ‘ello ‘ello’ I bet loads of policeman would have to arrest themselves.

I was doing 26mph in a 20 limit. They call me the wild one.

One of the silver linings of being disqualified from driving is at least they can’t fine me anymore. I’m not quite disqualified yet but unless they allow me 15 points I’m on the verge. In fact I think I got three points for being on the verge.

I just saw a clip of When Harry met Sally. They both look about 18!

Remember in the old days when the numbers on a bank card were raised up like braille so they couldn’t get rubbed off? That was clever wasn’t it.

GET ON BOARD EVERYONE! It’s cheap at half the price! (Actually it’s still quite expensive at half the price.)

An opportunity of a lifetime.

COMMENTATOR ONE: “He’s an irritant to the opposition and an asset to his team.” COMMENTATOR TWO: “That’s one way to describe him”. Actually that was two ways.

If you fine someone who owns a well of money that never ever goes dry, that’s not a punishment.

Wonderful stuff.

If I throw one single porridge oat on to the web of the European Garden Spider will he eventually eat it?

What type of spider is this please?

Listening to a wonderful interview with artist Beryl Cook on Radio 4 Extra. What a joyful person. Glad I stumbled on this.

-“That handball looked accidental” -“They’re always accidental” Um……No they’re not.

Wise words.