🇺🇸Rock Me SAMadeus🇮🇹

If Twitter dies, let's all buy condos in the same complex, sit out on our patios, and scream our Tweets at each other.

Maybe if we inter October in the earth of Pet Sematary, it'll come back. A more twisted and demonic version if it, but still.

There have been times, like just now with a small piece of KitKat wrapper, where static cling won't let me get rid of a piece of plastic stuck to my hand, so I'll just give up and say, "Well, I guess this is a part of my body, now."

Halloween in my living room.

I think tonight is the perfect night for my annual rewatch of this classic.

The older I get, the more I understand why Dr. Loomis perpetually is pissed off in the "Halloween" movies.

I'll save us some time. My last several years of Halloween costumes are all the same. Tired Beaten-down Guy on the Couch.

Hey, babe. It's All Hallows' Eve Eve, so how about I make topiary art like Edward Scissorhands and cut that shrub outside of your window so that it resembles a poodle or your ex? Let me know.

Me, whenever I see an animal: youtube.com/watch?v=ej-ZBDBr…

So, just really quickly—if you're in my house and decide to get up and move around whilst I'm watching a horror movie, I need you to just fill out a short form, sign it, and have it notarized. Can't be hearing footsteps or things being moved when I don't expect it. - Management

I need references and a copy of my birth certificate to get razor refills at the pharmacy. I go through TSA-like examinations just to enter Costco to buy cookies and toilet paper. But any two dumbasses of a moron can procreate.

I think a found-footage horror movie sounds like a good plan tonight. Come cuddle on the couch, but bring snacks. For the love of God, bring snacks.

Leftover eggplant parmigiana is a breakfast food. Well, it is now.

Anyway, I'm going to miss baseball.

From a Yankee fan, congrats to the Brew Crew. Hell of a team. #WorldSeries

I stopped eating Halloween candy...for 17 seconds because I had to pee.

The e-retailer is charging $6.99 for shipping, but I could get free shipping if I spend over $35, but then if I do a 7-day trial of premium membership for $1.99, I get free two-day shipping, and I think I somehow came out on top by a net gain of roughly $0.67. Capitalism tango.

A found-footage horror film, but it's just me walking to the bathroom in my dark house, trying to avoid stepping on or drilling my foot into something because I don't feel like turning on the lights.

I'm running on fumes because I stayed up into the wee hours of the night watching two teams—neither of which is my team—play baseball. For love of the game.

One gourd outside didn't make it to Halloween. Cut down in your prime, little guy...

My offer of putting on a Michael Myers mask and hunting you around the house still stands.