Sassy Tim Tim

Last weekend at a local dive in Naples, I happened to sit next to a beautiful elderly woman at the bar whose jewelry on one hand is worth more than my entire net worth will likely ever be. But she wasn’t just some typical rich old lady in Florida. She wanted to know if the tiki drink I had was any good because she was bored with hers so I let her have a sip and we chatted away the rest of the night as she slogged back a few other tiki drinks with me. “Don’t worry I’m not driving,” she offered without any solicitation. She just sold her ranch in Texas Hill Country, owned 3 other places, and I could immediately tell she was a force. She’s widowed and still maintains a busy social and business life. But she’s not interested in dating. She tells me this as her other senior citizen girlfriend was getting hit on by a man who appeared to be in his 60s. He saw the worn wealth. He wasn’t stupid. I assumed my barmate was 70. She’s EIGHTY THREE. No face lifts. Nothing. I asked her secret. With not an ounce of slurring or appearance of a buzz, she said “I preserve myself with alcohol and an empty stomach.” We exchanged emails and I’m gonna look her up if I’m ever at the Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, where she sometimes takes up residence. She swears by the drinks at the Ritz bar. I later learned she’s so cool part of the Naples Zoo is named for her. What a broad.