Connoisseur of all things stripper. Certified Rover's Morning Glory & Alan Cox Show superfan. Buy-sexual. NOT AN ACTUAL STRIPPER.
Cleveland
Joined July 2014
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One day, years from now, my children will ask me what I was doing during the coronavirus outbreak of 2020, and I'll say to them "Selling my sperm to make ends meet. Also, how did you get this number?"
This AI-summarized Google search result reads like an elementary school kid who just found out that commas exist.
Big thanks to Scott Hall at the @WinkingLizard Tour Finisher Party - he was gracious enough to do a caricature of me from back when I was in my prime.
What a Christmas! You wouldn't believe me if I told you, so here it is in the style of the Epstein Files:
I got hit up by ⬛⬛⬛ and she wanted me to ⬛⬛⬛ her ⬛⬛ but I said ⬛ and instead ⬛⬛ in the ⬛⬛⬛ until ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛ but then ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛⬛ so ⬛⬛⬛⬛
⬛⬛⬛ until ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ with ⬛⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛⬛ all over ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ with ⬛⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛⬛⬛ but then ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ with a ⬛⬛⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ big black ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ inside ⬛⬛⬛ until ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ "OUCH YOU MOTHER ⬛⬛⬛⬛ so ⬛⬛ and ⬛⬛⬛ pulled ⬛⬛⬛ out of
Ok, so TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, my two key metrics were 108.7% and 112.6% at the end of the year, with the combined average coming in at 109.4%. And perhaps barely falling short of 110% justifies my raise being just slightly above the rate of inflation, who knows?
Stripper Scott retweeted
Beneath the blood red sky, as the nuclear ash piles on the scorched ground like snow drifts, as the weak tortured screams echo off bodies piled in our periphery remember here at the end of all things no one cares how many sweet 1/4 lb briskets you chug in 1 sitting
Enjoy Arbys
Turns out the reason Black Sabbath only played in Italy twice in 55 years is because Italians just don't believe in Black Sabbath. Who knew?
This is how it starts - one day, you're taking in a cute dog you found outside, and before you know it, you're strapping your coworkers to chairs, forcibly administering blood tests, and flamethrowering whoever you feel like.
people.com/team-scientists-s…
I knew we could do it! Great job, Cleveland!
wkyc.com/article/news/local/…
Made it out to the allegedly last @WinkingLizard Tour Finisher Party - got a caricature and ran into Ketchup and Mustard from @CleHotDogs. Super flattered the caricature artist drew me with more hair and less fat than in reality.
I can admit that I'm not the smartest when it comes to jazz, but I still have a hard time believing that flugelhorn player in the hat actually killed that millionaire.
Just got finished shoveling the driveway. I can confirm that it is, in fact, very cold outside, and not more than twice the boiling point of tungsten.
*Taking a girl to a mineralogy lab for a first date*
Mineralogist: "Take your pick, any one mineral sample is a free gift from us! However, know that the specific mineral you select will predict the outcome of your evening, based on its name."
Me:
Stripper Scott retweeted
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone at @Hilarities for working so hard on the holiday and getting all that delicious food out to everybody. Nick, Sam, Rick, Melissa, Lisa, Leah, and everybody else is always awesome to me and I always appreciate it.