Adam Gabel

One time I got audited by the IRS and after it was over they told me they couldn’t do it again for another seven years. I said “Good, because I just broke a mirror.”

Wait, so you’re saying Sharia Law isn’t a new David E. Kelly legal drama?

Not everyone remembers the online ‘Vote for the Worst’ campaigns but the people of Florida surely do.

This should be good news for Republicans too because from what I understood they got tired of winning.

Turns out that fifth dentist was Haley Stevens.

Republicans can take solace knowing after they get their ass handed to them on Tuesday, Donald Trump will be there to say that it still looks good in a swimsuit.

Seems to me owning the libs means you can’t afford to own anything else.

It’s crazy turning back the clock for Daylight Savings two hours into November, because instead of Daylight what we’re really getting is an extra hour of Christmas Carols.

I bet the reason Megatron hangs out with jets is that when he flies commercial he has to stay in a locked & sealed hard case under the plane.

It’s not really surprising that Skeletor is such a narcissist, you’d have a pretty high opinion of yourself if everybody put up your picture in their windows for the entire month of October.

Just voted. Can I get one of those privacy booths for the subway?

When the Riddler needs a new costume, does he make it himself or does he just go to Spirit Halloween on November 1 like the rest of us?

Host: Do you mind going bullet? Werewolf Comic: Is it silver?

I can’t tell who my neighbors are voting for, on the one hand they all have posters for Democrats on their lawns, but on the other hand they all have decaying orange gourds their stoops, so they could be Trump supporters.

‘Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said you wanted me to ghost the 8 o’clock show.’

Kalshi is taking bets on the most popular Costumes at the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade this year, and you wouldn’t believe the Over/Under on the number of Strangers Carrying a Cake Across New York.

I wonder how many friends you have to have before they become Apostles; if you’ve only got one guy doing everything you say, he’s just a suck up.

Spirit Halloween is the only store whose business model is based on the idea that they are going out of business.

Check out my new podcast where I just interrupt other people’s podcasts.

The maker of Cup O’Noodles now sells it in a paper cup instead of styrofoam in an effort to expose its customers to fewer harmful chemicals, as if anyone who consumes Cup O’Noodles on the regular is concerned about exposure to harmful chemicals.