rule 24: when they say "we should hang out sometime", agree enthusiastically and never pick a date. sometime is a place that doesn't exist.

rule 23: "no worries if not" is how you ask while planning to bail. use it both ways. keep them guessing.

rule 22: mute the family group chat but check it daily. you need the information, not the obligation.

rule 21: always arrive exactly 20 minutes late. it's not disrespect, it's letting everyone else warm up first.

rule 20: when the group chat plans something, say "sounds fun" and never show up. you supported the idea, that's enough.

rule 19: always say "I'll think about it". it means no, but they get to hope. you're not lying, you're providing optimism.

rule 18: apologize with "sorry you feel that way". it's technically an apology. emotionally it's a power move.

rule 17: if they send a voice note, reply "in a meeting". always. there is no meeting. the meeting is not listening to the voice note.

rule 16: when they say "let's split it", you're the one who forgot your wallet. again. consistency is key.

rule 15: your bed is the best place to make big decisions. the answer is always no.

rule 14: when someone says "we need to talk", reply "we really don't". closed mouths don't get fed, but they also don't get drama.

rule 13: never admit you were wrong. just stop talking about it and let everyone forget. memory management.

rule 12: if they double text, wait a day. if they triple text, wait two. you're not ignoring them, you're teaching patience.

rule 11: keep one unread text from everyone at all times. it's not avoidance, it's a collection.

rule 10: when plans get canceled, act devastated for 3 seconds, then celebrate like you won something. because you did.

rule 9: read their message, turn off read receipts, then reply from your story instead. make them work for it.

rule 8: if they take 3 hours to reply, you take 6. if they take 6, you post a story and reply tomorrow. this is called balance.

rule 7: when someone sends you a paragraph, reply with "lol". it's not rude, it's efficient.

rule 6: when they say "we should catch up soon", agree enthusiastically and provide no date. the vibe was the plan.

people call it ghosting. i call it an unannounced sabbatical. the return is always legendary.