Unruly

Let me do a detailed breakdown of my post of last on why married men need to be careful with their japa decisions or plans. In Nigeria, when a man is bringing in above N1m every month, he can carry the house on his own. Rent or mortgage in a decent area, school fees, feeding, light and water, small domestic help, even a driver if he wants. The wife does not have to chase the same hours just to keep the lights on. She can work if she wants, or work part-time, or focus on the children and the home without the family collapsing. Decisions are simpler to make and carry out. He is not waiting on her salary to pay the landlord. She is not calculating whether her contribution gives her equal say on every expense. The man still leads financially, so the traditional shape of the marriage stays intact. That is the “peace and privileges” part. Put simply, he is not begging or negotiating from a weak position. Now move the same couple abroad. The above N1m does not follow them as real spending power. Rent in London, Toronto or Houston for a family of four is already painful. Childcare is expensive or non-existent. Taxes take a big bite. To live anything close to the life they had, both of them usually have to work full-time, often long hours, sometimes in jobs below what they were doing at home. Suddenly the wife’s income is not extra; it is now a necessity. When her money is what keeps the family afloat, two things happen: First, she starts expecting a bigger voice on money decisions, career choices, where they live, how the children are raised. Second, the man feels the pressure of not being able to provide the way he used to. Arguments about whose money paid for what become common. Resentment builds on both sides. He feels like he has lost the role he was used to. She feels like she is carrying weight she did not sign up for when they were still in Nigeria. People like to say “we will both earn three times more and everything will be fine.” In practice the extra money is often swallowed by the higher cost of living, so the net improvement is smaller than they imagined. Meanwhile the marriage is now running on two full-time jobs instead of one solid provider and a supporting partner. That is a different marriage. Studies and everyday observation both show that when the wife’s earnings match or exceed the husband’s, the chance of separation goes up. Not because money is evil, but because the old agreement about who provides and who decides has been rewritten without anyone admitting it. Many couples cannot manage the new version. Staying in Nigeria with a solid income keeps the original agreement alive. The man remains the main provider. The wife still has status and comfort without having to trade her time and energy for survival money. Family life is less stressed, and there is more room for respect in the direction the man is used to receiving it. That is why my advice is to stay and keep building rather than chasing the idea that relocation automatically makes both of you richer and happier. For many, it just makes both of you tired and less sure who is in charge of the house. I hope you now understand better. End.

How to marry a wife in Nigeria. 1. Go to your parents and tell them that you want to marry your girlfriend (which they must have known about before), and seek their permission to discuss your plans with her parents or other relevant people. 2. Once they grant you permission, you tell your girlfriend to inform her family that you will be visiting them. 3. After she tells them, go to see them alone (they must have known you before then) and politely tell them your intentions, letting them know that you have also discussed it with your parents. Her mother doesn't have to be present throughout your discussion with her father. 4. After discussing with him, her father can invite her and her mother to join you. 5. He will then tell them what you said, and ask his daughter if she is willing to be your wife. 6. Once she says yes, her father will then ask you to come with your people after he informs his kindred about your intentions to marry his daughter. 7. Then his kindred will obtain their marriage list and send it to him. 8. On the day of your second official visit, you may choose to go with your close friend, brother, or even your parents for a proper introduction, and the list may be provided to them on that day, or sent to them later. Note that what both of your parents (hers and yours) are expected to do after you inform them is to secretly conduct some vetting and ask questions about both of you, your family background, history, etc., from others. After all this has been done, you can then decide to propose to her (if you wish), because it's all a public show if you ask me. Regardless, if all that has been done, is she going to humiliate you publicly by rejecting your proposal? The answer is No. So, if you're the type of man that fancies all those "serenren", make sure that you follow the right steps. Stop being a sissy by ignoring your parents, her parents, and proposing to a woman publicly. It's unafrican, it's disrespectful and it makes you look like you were not properly raised in that light. End.