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Ask Your Mom
Joined January 2010
- Tweets28.6K
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“Baby, You’re a Star!” You walk in as yourself, and the whole room decides that deserves an entrance. Bouncing piano, affectionate wisecracks, and a horn section delighted to make a fuss over you.
Why doesn’t Home Depot sell maple syrup? They’ve already got the lumber, the buckets, the orange aprons. The entire store looks like it should smell like pancakes. Just seems like a massive oversight.
Quarantined Anders retweeted
one time i found two mormon missionaries on my porch praying to my beach cruiser.
Quarantined Anders retweeted
i always compliment my friend’s achievements by saying ‘you’re going large’ or ‘congrats. extra large, bro’ which is basically a play on the word large. sometimes i’ll say, “wow, that’s largetime, bro,” in where i simply smash together the words large & time to create a new word.
$200,000 Maserati parked outside Taco Bell every single day. Somebody’s doing very well financially and very poorly without a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Hey I'm so sorry about this, but the actor who played you in the dramatic reenactment completely fucked up.
“Life’s a Blank Check.” Front row, Las Vegas, two dazzling young singers trading invitations and the band swinging from the very first chord. They’re putting the moon on the Amex. The trumpet section has approved the expense.
“The Wonder of It All.” I step up to that bouncing piano and start noticing one lovely thing after another, until the whole room is singing. The moon has provided flattering lighting. I’m thanking it personally.
Photo is literally priceless. Love this mayor so much. This looks like the final scene of a ‘90s hit sitcom where everybody learned a valuable lesson about friendship.
Our $2M investment in the Sea Cliffs Exhibit Renovation Project at @nyaquarium has gotten a pretty clear seal of approval.
Thank you for having me, @kaymsanto (and Pickles!)
My stupid Bosch dishwasher needs to stop beeping and just shut the fuck up when it’s done. I know the dishes are clean, you dumb fucking appliance. What do you want from me, a parade?
Me in my workshop. Maine, 1952. My outboard motor is a piece of shit. The gentleman behind me is from the Better Business Bureau.
It’s feng shui. I’ve been doing this for years. The important thing is to establish clear boundaries with your appliances and never let a house know you’re afraid of it.
God. Damn. Priceless. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be romantically pursued by a harbor seal.
