Ellen Ripley in fluffy socks, scientific editor, rescuer of asses. she/her Insta: @bairdletters
Joined November 2008
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Dear motorist
(a poem)
Dear motorist
who just passed by our house
I realize that the night was dark
and the road was long and winding
and our driveway, also dark
emerges
-quite suddenly-
from the woods
this I know
I did not realize
-to my regret-
that I
myself
my tiny person
4yo: I like pizza
beau: you are what you eat, so your middle name is “pizza”!
4yo’s teacher: when questioned during the exam, your daughter informed us her last name is “Pizza”, so we marked it down as an area of concern
of the 3 people I know personally who definitely would have voted for Trump
one asked me whether a penguin was a mammal
one asked me why I “didn’t stop the volcano” while I was in Guatemala, since I’m “a scientist”
and one gambles actual money and thinks he’s an actual genius
when she was in-utero: there was a global pandemic
when she was 3 months old: her biological father had a psychotic break
at four: her country of birth elected a fascist
I expected motherhood to be difficult, but this was not the kind of difficult I was expecting
3 drunk men on the metro last night stopped to bully a young man in his early 20s (I don’t know why—because he was short? Because he was brown?)
the kid took it in stride, nodded and smiled blandly until the bullies got bored and wandered off
what the bullies didn’t notice
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four and a half years old, and she still falls asleep in my arms every night
would it be weird if I say I’m ok if she’s still doing this when I’m 80 and she’s 40?
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Floridians are going to use these, they’re going to get eaten, and I am no longer in a position to not find that hysterical
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thinking of getting an orca tattooed on my ass along with the phrase “NO GODS NO MASTERS” it is ya’all’s responsibility to talk me out of making any permanent decisions this week
for the ladies in heterosexual relationships who are digging in, making plans, researching local mutual aid groups and volunteer opportunities, donating to the ACLU, comfort-reading Hannah Arendt and taking up weight lifting
while your man “waits to see what will happen”…
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ladies, if your man isn’t f**king VOLUNTEERING to undergo a vasectomy in a world where you would be denied life-saving care in case of a miscarriage or pregnancy complication or an unwanted pregnancy
HE ISN’T THE RIGHT MAN
HE ISN’T EVEN A GOOD ONE
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when I was worried Roe would be overturned, men
GOOD men
told me it wouldn’t happen, that I needed to stop worrying, to “be rational”
now these same men
these same good men
are telling me there won’t be a national ban
“be rational” they say, that “wouldn’t make sense”
it was an absolute gut-punch the moment I realized my ex-mentor calling me “very conscientious” was not, in fact, a compliment but code for
“easy to exploit”
highlighting this post not as a callout but as a theme
one thing that stuck with me is we stopped selecting PhD candidates for high disagreeableness and started selecting for high conscientiousness
with entirely predictable results in labor + research
xitter.gq/McReynoldsJoe/status/1…
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outdoorsy people: I have an inflamed ACL, so I can’t wear my normal hiking boots
I need a pair of very grippy hiking shoes (I don’t care about ankle support, just grip)
they need to be able to handle muddy slopes, tree bark, slippery tree roots, wet rocks, and some bouldering
the night before the election:
4yo: mommy, why’s your mouth look like that?
me: like what?
4yo: ☹️
…apparently she’s not used to seeing me frown
so apparently Peanut the squirrel’s owner refused to vaccinate him against rabies because
wait for it
he didn’t want his squirrel to “get autism”
should I…should I sign up to be a “poll watcher” for the GOP?
I ask myself, wondering just how much trouble is involved in getting arrested
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a very funny article about a very unfunny time
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