When I was growing up, the best conversations I had with my dad would nearly always start with the words, "now don't tell your mum".

Do you ever look at someone and think - why has no one ever hit you with a shovel?

Remember, if you come to me with a problem, expect a solution, not sympathy.

"You're no better than an animal" "Better? I was just hoping that one day we might be half as good"

Tomorrow, help someone who you know has absolutely no chance of ever repaying you.

We may all be in the same storm but don't for one minute tell yourself that we're all in the same boat.

Artificial intelligence? Surely we could have had a decent stab at sorting out natural stupidity before we went down that road?

I was out for a walk and got to thinking just how different life might be if otters had waterproof pockets and bear trappers kept their hats neatly trimmed.

Please do spare a thought for all those people with a stepladder ... they may never have known their real ladder.

Appears I'm a Misanthrope. Who knew? Oh yeah, everyone.

Some days are just a collection of disappointments stuck together with shit. Today isn't one of those days, so I'll remember that for the next time one does come round.

Why are there companies selling luggage at the airport? WTF arrives carrying armfuls of clothes having previously thought, 'fuck it, we'll pack when we get there'?

When having a discussion with a significant other, remember to always avoid using the phrase, "my mum was right about you".

Have you ever thought how some people are like Slinky springs? Generally not good for much but would bring a smile to your face if pushed down the stairs.

Those days that seem little more than a series of minor disappointments punctuated with random shite.

Do you know what happens when you're offended? Nothing, now pick your bottom lip up off the floor and 'koff.

I like to help out where I can, so here's Collette thanking me for bringing attention to her delicious baps.

"Somebody should really do something about that" ...... you are somebody.

Given the attitudes of society, you'd think being good looking or pretty was an achievement worthy of praise - it isn't, it's just genetics.

"I was hoping I might get a refund" "Were you? I was hoping I might get to shag Divina McCall but it turns out you don't all always get what you want"