Born too late to explore the Earth, born too early to explore the galaxy, born just in time to explore the deep recesses of the couch.

#marvel #SpiderVerse Fans of TV show and movie franchises after they introduce time travel and the multiverse:

Hey, @NFL, I found next year's #SuperBowl halftime show, and every year thereafter.

I will announcing my candidancy for President tomorrow on MySpace. It will be hosted by Tom. You must have me in your top 8 to listen in. #PresidentialAnnouncement #2024PresidentialElection

#KingCharles Why are we still deciding kings based on bloodline? Should be based on skill and achievement. For instance, whoever first discovered the peanut butter and chocolate combo should've been proclaimed King of the Universe. #Coronation

People sleep on the immense historical significance of #CincoDeMayo. If not for the courageous folks in Puebla, Mexico, in 1862, we would all be eating foie gras instead of nachos right now.

#ThursdayThoughts I may not be a full-fledged Master Jedi, but I do have no attachments, since I'm single and broke. Also, one could say I'm force sensitive, because any time I face any sort of pushback I fold like a house of cards. #StarWarsDay #MayTheFourthBeWithYou

Okay, but let's develop a new energy source before A.I. begins to harness us for energy.

With the 1st pick in the #2023NFLDraft, the #CarolinaPanthers select Franklin, an A.I. generated player out of ChatGPT U. Pros: Exceptional speed, awareness, velocity, strength, durability. Scored highest ever on S2 cognitive test. Cons: Slight chance he could destroy humanity.

#MondayMotivation Find someone that loves you the way the legacy blue checkmark holders loved their old checkmark. #twitter #hallmonitor #deputy #assistanttotheregionalmanager

Dear Directors, During action sequence, please stop having person with gun run into melee range of person they're aiming at with arm outstretched for no reason. Unless you're filming a comedy of course. It looks ridiculous. #Hollywood #movies #TV #NakedGun

I am suddenly volunteering for the first mission to Mars @elonmusk

You're never truly alone on #ValentinesDay when you have a tub of cake frosting and a spoon.

This #ValentinesDay, there is no better way to say I love you than by contacting aliens for them to send a spaceship to Earth where upon entering the US it's blasted into smitherings by an F-22, and when it does, spells out "I love you" in fire, forever cemented in UFO footage.

Next level snake in a can

#SuperBowl It was a decent performance by #Rhianna for the halftime show, but it would've been better, if, at the end, she was picked up by a Chinese spy balloon. Missed a real opportunity right there.

Here' a closer look at the Chinese spy balloon being shot down. #balloon #questionmark #ThatsNoBalloon

#NFLPlayoffs Nothing beats this exciting sequence: Timeout -> commercial break Touchdown, review -> commercial brk Extra point -> commercial brk Kickoff -> commercial brk Me -> nap time

Please no more "for the rest of the year" jokes, for the rest of the year. #NewYearsEve

This is a great time of the year for me, laying back in my chair, reading about how hard it is to untangle #Christmas lights and gazing out at my lights Ive had constantly up for 16 years. It makes me feel so smart. It doesn't even matter that only two strands still work.

There are some people trying to "cancel" #Thanksgiving, and I have to say, I completely agree with them. There is no place in this world for a holiday that is associated with green bean casserole. It is not okay.