Chef Emem of Abuja 👩‍🍳🍽

We cannot address abusive/toxic parenting without talking about the big cat in the bag—religious parenting, which is often even worse. The kids who had it the worst growing up were often those from deeply religious homes, especially those whose parents were pastors, evangelists, elders, or held high religious positions in society. Ironically, many of them think their children turned out fine, but they didn’t because of their method of parenting. As a pastor’s child growing up, you were expected to be entirely different from your peers. Your parents didn’t want to see you playing football in the neighborhood because, apparently, you’d be mingling with “people of the world” who would corrupt you. You couldn’t listen to any genre of music outside gospel. You couldn’t go to viewing centres to watch football. The girls couldn’t wear trousers, earrings, wigs, or makeup. The boys weren’t allowed to keep long hair or try different hairstyles because, “What will people say?” Apparently, that isn’t what pastor’s children should be doing. It gets to a point where your friends, especially those in the neighborhood, start avoiding you because they can see how your parents judge them and make them feel like they’re the ones “spoiling your life.” Because of this kind of religious parenting, society also begins to scrutinize you. People judge you and expect so much from you. The moment you do something normal, the first thing you hear is, “Even you wey be pastor pikin?” You can’t keep friends of the opposite gender. They won’t discuss dating with their children because “it is a sin,” but years later, they start subtly pressuring you to get married because they magically expect a spouse—whom they warned you against your entire life—to suddenly appear. They forget that it was them God called, not their children. And like I said, many of them think their children turned out fine, but they didn’t. The ripple effect? Many pastor’s children got to university and became something else. The moment they tasted freedom, they made sure to do everything their parents had restricted them from doing, and some even overdid it. In school, you can often tell who had freedom at home and who didn’t. In my experience, the most well-behaved people are often the ones who had freedom growing up because they weren’t raised in fear or deprived of normal experiences. I have rarely met an adult who grew up in a very religious home who genuinely fantasizes about marrying someone who is equally strict and religious. Many of them became less religious anyway. They saw it all growing up. What do you want to tell them about their religion that they don’t already know? The thing about Nigerian parenting is that many parents want to use you to correct their own mistakes. They see you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual with your own path and life. Nigerian parents have many flaws, and as much as we often give them their flowers, it is important that we have this conversation about toxic parenting so we can acknowledge that they are not perfect and that many of us didn’t turn out fine. That is the first step toward healing and breaking this cycle.