Ashwin Bala

9/11 is 25 years old today, which means it can stay on its parent's insurance for 1 more year. Thanks, Obama.

Isn't it embarrassing when, at the start of the year, you write 2022 instead of 2023 on the ransom note?

I don't think it is nice to refer to someone who is no longer with us as "the late" so and so. It is bad enough that they are dead, but you also have to bring up their punctuality?

"Personally, I don't consider it a SPARE rib." - Pigs

The girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 years, so it is about time to tie the knot...around the noose, am I right?

Body wash must have been a gamechanger for "drop the soap" victims.

I have the cilantro supertaster gene. When I eat pussy, it tastes like cilantro.

Did you hear about the run-on sentence that became a woman? She got her period.

Whether or not you consider Carrot Top a funny comedian, you got to give him props.

Do bees know which people are losers when they choose who to bother?

Sometimes your job title and what you actually do for work don't always line up. Like your job title might be "Research Associate", but you spend most of your time sending memes to friends.

When I was a kid, I didn't know what "great grand-dad" meant. So if someone said, "this is my grand-dad and this is my GREAT grand-dad", I thought "Hey! That's mean to compare them."

Yo mama so stupid, she tried buying Hellman's at the Mayo Clinic.

The cool thing about cryptocurrencies is that it is the first time I've gotten financial advice from my unemployed friends.

I think the only upside to climate change is that conversations about the weather are going to be so much more interesting.

If you are a failed child actor, there's a good chance you will be a successful "adult film star"

Every time you talk shit on the Internet, you should have to post your home address.

Ok, how about a movie where two people are jerking off at the same time and they switch bodies? "Super Freaky Friday"