Cortronic

[best Billy Idol voice] It's a nice day for a... light sweater WHOA... It's a nice day for a... CARDIGAAAAAN

I still get angry when I think about how many years I wasted on INessential oils.

“Dad, my spaghetti’s cold. Warm it up!” With the quiet resignation of someone utterly defeated by the ennui of middle age, former pop star Kris mutters to himself, “This is what I was born to do.”

MC: "Ya down wit OCD?" Crowd: "Yeah, you know me!... YEAH, you know me!... Yeah, YOU know me!... Yeah, you KNOW me!... Yeah, you know ME!... Yeah. you. know. me!..."

Gaze not upon the mustard spot on my dress shirt, for all who lay eyes upon it shall be cast down from this conference room and forsaken.

stressed woman: "Calgon, take me away!" (in Heaven) God: "Does she mean me?" angel: "Well, she's looking up this way" God: "Ok then" [woman dies, shows up at Heaven] woman: "Calgon?" God: "No, it's GOD" woman: "I've been saying it wrong all this time! LOL"

If you didn't want me to throw a paper airplane filled with macaroni and cheese at you, you shouldn't have said "yes" when I asked if you wanted to see an "air Kraft carrier."

worker: "Please don't fire me, I have four mouths to feed." boss: "Yeah, see, that's the thing. The other guys are little creeped out working with a guy with four mouths on his face."

When did the Patriots hire Bluto as their defensive coordinator?

Fun fact: The new Star Wars movie was almost called Galactic Beasts and Where To Find Them.

Seize the day! Throw it in the dungeon! It will pay for its treachery!

[office meeting] Me: "Let's leave things as-is for the time being." [loud bang as a mysterious being appears out of thin air] Being: "Well done, humans." Everyone in the conference room: "ALL HAIL THE TIME BEING, MASTER OF THE TEMPORAL PLANE"

[coroner cuts my dead body open and pulls out a state] [adjusts his glasses and looks at my license again]: "Oregon donor. Huh."

Hey tough guy, think you're pretty tough, huh? What, you think you're some kind of advanced calculus test? YOU ARE? Damn, you are tough.

Girl 1: "What does this new guy you're dating do?" Girl 2: "Not sure but he has a lot of inns and bees." Girl 1: "Oooohhh... He's a keeper!"

"Good thinking!" xitter.gq/MattNegrin/status/8927…

I've tried traps, poison, exterminators, and more, but nothing seems to work. Anyone have any other ideas on how to get rid of a beard?

As the saying goes, a watched pot never dances like no one is watching.

BioGen is rumored to be in merger talks with Amtech. "Who are they?" said people unfamiliar with the matter.

I'm starting to think no one knows the film I'm referencing. (Hint, not a Daniel Day-Lewis film)